Carrie
OMG you have to stop this!
Mom
You need a boyfriend.
Carrie
You’re hanging around in a dog park and you don’t even have a dog!
Mom
There are a lot of options here.
Mom
Maybe if you were a little nicer, you’d already have a boyfriend.
Carrie
Maybe I’d have a boyfriend if you stopped scaring away every guy that I bring around!
Mom
Oh honey, you don’t bring any boys around.
Mom
That’s why I’m trying to help you.
Carrie
You’re not helping! Please stop.
Mom
There’s one guy with a German shepherd. He’s cute.
Mom
The guy. Not the dog.
Mom
The dog’s pretty cute too though.
Carrie
Whatever you do, do not go talk to that man.
Mom
I’m going to go talk to him.
Carrie
The scoop? What, are you a reporter from the fifties?
Mom
His name is Jeremy and he’s studying to be a dentist.
Carrie
I can’t believe you talked to him.
Mom
He’s single. Broke up with a girl named Sara three weeks ago.
Mom
I know! It’s a little soon, but maybe he’s looking for a rebound!
Carrie
Do you hear yourself?
Carrie
You want me to be his rebound?
Mom
Why not? He’s really cute and maybe you two will hit it off!
Carrie
I do know. It won’t happen.
Mom
Dentists make a lot of money. And maybe he can fix that gap in your teeth for you.
Carrie
You’re causing me psychological pain right now.
Carrie
I’m going to need therapy because of you.
Mom
Stop being so dramatic.
Mom
Hold on, I’ll send you a picture…
Carrie
DO NOT TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM!!!
Carrie receives a picture of her mother’s thumb.
Mom
Oh darn that didn’t work very well.
Mom
Should I give him your number?
Carrie
I don’t want to date some random dentist guy who talks to weird ladies in a dog park.
Mom
Ew, forget it. He didn’t clean up after his dog.
Mom
I hate when people just leave it there.
Carrie
At least he has a dog.
Carrie
You’re just loitering in a dog park WITHOUT A DOG.
Mom
There’s no sign that says you have to have a dog to be here.
Mom
And how else are you going to find a boyfriend?
Carrie
I’ll find one on my own.
Mom
Oh, honey. We both know that’s not going to happen.
Mom
Ooooh, Cutie Patootie with a pug just walked in.
Carrie
This has gone on long enough!
Mom
You’re going to like this one!
Carrie
Why are you doing this to me?
Mom
He’s a professional photographer, which is great because he can help me fix my photos before I post them to Facebook.
Carrie
Yeah, because that’s what I’m looking for in a guy.
Mom
He’s new to the city and guess what???
Carrie
He’s a serial killer?
Carrie
I’m single and ready to die of embarrassment.
Mom
I told him all about you.
Carrie
Of course you did.
Mom
I told him you were a straight A student in high school.
Carrie
Because that’s what turns guys on…
Mom
I’ll get you a picture. You have to see his blue eyes!
Carrie
Is your thumb going to be blocking this guy too?
Carrie receives a picture of her Mom, selfie style, with her arm wrapped around a handsome but confused looking man.
Carrie
Mom you took a picture WITH him?!?!
Carrie
Are you serious?!?!
Mom
What did I tell you? Cutie Patootie!
Carrie
This is beyond embarrassing.
Mom
Send me a selfie back.
Carrie
And don’t say selfie.
Mom
I have to show him what he’s getting so I can seal the deal.
Carrie
So now I’m a business transaction?
Carrie
Besides…I don’t have any make-up on and my hair is a mess.
Mom
Nevermind. I showed him a pic I had on my phone.
Mom
He thinks you’re cute!
Carrie
Which picture did you show him?
Carrie
No no no…you sent THAT one?
Mom
I don’t know what you mean. You’re wearing reindeer pajamas.
Carrie
What?!? My Christmas onesie? Are you kidding me?
Mom
You look adorable. Noah agrees.
Carrie
I am freaking out right now!
Mom
Oh, don’t be so dramatic. I’m giving Noah your number.
A few minutes later, Noah texts Carrie.
Noah
Uh. Hi. I just met your mom.
Carrie
Please ignore her.
Carrie
She’s off her meds. She’s drunk. She got kicked in the head by a horse.
Noah
Haha. Which one is it?
Carrie
Unfortunately all three.
Carrie
What is she doing now?
Noah
She just made a beeline for a guy with a Rottweiler.
Mom
Carrie! A Hottie McNaughty with a big black dog just walked in.
Mom
I’ll tell him you used to take gymnastics but that you’re still flexible.
Carrie
I hope his dog eats you.
Noah
Your mom is quite the character.
Carrie
She’s quite the lunatic. I have the emotional scars to prove it.
Carrie
So, you’re a photographer when you’re not hanging out at dog parks?
Noah
I am. When my pug allows it.
Noah
What are you into? Besides Christmas themed onesie pajamas?
Carrie
😳 I’m going to kill my mom.
Noah
Don’t. I like the pajamas.
Noah
They’re festive, yet sexy, comfortable, and I imagine, warm.
Carrie
Well, they’re three of the four.
Mom
Bad news. Hottie McNaughty with the big black dog is married.
Mom
He doesn’t know what he’s missing.
Noah
I’m new in town. Any fun things to do around here?
Carrie
You should check out the fair tonight. It’s the last night it’s in town.
Carrie
No. I wanted to though.
Noah
I want to meet the girl your mom was raving about.
Noah
I can’t resist a girl who gets straight As in high school.
Carrie
And who wears reindeer onesies?
Noah
Exactly. What do you say?
Noah
I’ll tell your mom that I’ll have you home by nine.
Carrie
Haha. Sure, why not?
Noah
All right, it’s a date!
Carrie
Are you going to bring your pug?
Noah
He’s not too fond of rollercoasters. You’ll meet him next time.
Carrie
It’s by the boardwalk. How about I meet you at the entrance at eight?
Noah
I have to go. My dog is getting bullied by a Rottweiler.
Mom
Ahh darn! Cutie Patootie with the pug just left.
Mom
It’s probably better that way. He hasn’t stopped staring at his phone.
Mom
Yeah, he’s got a big smile on his face.
Mom
Probably looking at porn.
Mom
All the men are gone.
Mom
I’ll have to find you a boyfriend another time.
Carrie
Don’t worry about it Mom.
Mom
I’ll try the hockey rink.
Mom
You like hockey players right?
