The most embarrassing moment of my life happened on a Tuesday.
I woke up as sick as a dog.
I could barely get out of bed.
So I did what any 23-year-old woman would do…
Jesse
Help me. I’m dying.
Mom
Want me to bring you soup after work?
Jesse
But that’s so far awayyyy.
Mom
I can’t leave early today.
Jesse
I’ll go get some myself.
After I hung up with my mom, I rolled out of bed.
Could I get away with rolling to the supermarket?
I looked down at my outfit.
Chocolate ice cream stain on my white tank top?
Hair somewhere between top knot and ponytail?
It was clear I looked about as good as I felt.
But I went out the door and walked the two blocks to the grocery store anyway.
…But half an hour later, I was leaving with cheese.
A blue box of mac and cheese.
A pound of fresh mozz from the deli.
And of course, my favorite…
A big can of cheese whiz.
Have I mentioned I’m obsessed with cheese?
I also picked up a birthday gift for my brother…
I chuckled, imagining his expression when he unwrapped it in front of his new girlfriend.
Walking home with all my goodies, I got hungry.
So I took out the canned cheese—
—Not my finest moment, I know—
And tilted my head back and squeezed the nozzle.
My body collided with a brick wall.
No, it wasn’t a brick wall. It was…
My eyes traveled up and up and…oh my god.
As in, my sex-on-a-stick neighbor.
As in, the guy I’ve never had the guts to talk to.
I would have apologized for bumping into him…
Not to mention he was busy picking up my groceries.
Because apparently, I dropped my bag.
It was then that the reality of the situation washed over me.
I was dressed like a slob.
I had a nose as red as Rudolph’s.
My mouth was full of canned preservatives…
My hot neighbor was picking up my cheese groceries.
And at this exact moment, my brother’s laxatives.
This was the most embarrassing moment of my life.
I squeaked in horror and finally swallowed the cheese.
Oh god, did I just spit on him?!
His brown eyes swept over me from head to toe.
I was sure my entire face was red now.
At least it would camouflage my nose.
The sheer weight of my humiliation hit me and I sneezed.
This couldn’t be happening.
It was so unreal that I shook my head and began to laugh.
Mack, understandably, took a step back.
I tried to get myself under control.
But the laughing turned into an outrageous coughing fit.
I doubled over with the force of my hacking.
When it was over, I put my hands over my face to hide my shame.
And that’s when I heard him chuckle.
Mack
Hey, you okay in there?
Jesse
I am far, far from okay.
Mack
Is there anything I can do?
I removed my hands from my face.
Jesse
Yes, actually there is.
Jesse
Scrape this dumpster-fire of a first meeting from your mind.
Mack
But I have so many questions.
Jesse
I normally try harder not to look like hot garbage.
Jesse
And yes, before you ask, I DO like My Little Pony.
Jesse
I’m nostalgic, okay?
Jesse
Also, cheese is my comfort food.
Jesse
Lastly, it’s my brother’s birthday next week and I bought the laxatives as a joke.
Jesse
…To embarrass him in front of his new girlfriend.
Jesse
Clearly, this is karma biting me in the ass.
I finished off my little speech with another juicy sneeze.
Mack’s eyes were bright with mirth.
Mack
If it makes you feel any better…
Mack
I don’t think you look like hot garbage.
Jesse
Well, then, you should see me on a good day.
Jesse
I’d knock your socks off.
He threw his head back and laughed.
But I, unfortunately, could not find anything funny about this situation.
Jesse
On that note, I’m going to go.
Jesse
I am going to pretend this never happened.
Jesse
And I hope you do the same.
I walked around him to my front porch.
But then I heard him shout behind me.
Mack
It was nice to meet you!
I turned around to glare at him. He just laughed again.
As I opened my front door, my bag of groceries broke open.
I looked to the street and saw he was still watching me.
I gave him a small wave and awkwardly shuffle-kicked everything inside.
Then I hid in the bath for the next three hours.
In case you were wondering…
Mortification does not come off with soap.
It was around dinner time when the doorbell rang.
My jaw dropped open when I saw who was outside.
Jesse
What are you doing here?
He held up a steaming bowl.
Mack
I don’t think I ever properly introduced myself. I’m Mack.
Mack
And you…you forgot your box of mac and cheese on the porch.
Mack
So I figured since you were sick and all…
Mack
I’d make it for you.
Mack
Looks like there’s enough for two.
I stared down at the bowl of cheesy goodness.
I stared at the man who made it, his brown eyes gleaming.
Then I smiled and opened the door wider for him to come in.
Jesse
I’m Jesse. It’s really, really nice to meet you, Mack.
