Sara
Mom, I think I have to quit my job.
Mom
What? Why? It’s your very first day!
Sara
I’m not even going to tell anyone I’m quitting.
Sara
I’m just going to walk out the door right now without saying goodbye.
Mom
You’re joking, right?
Sara
I know it sounds like I am.
Sara
But I’m not. I’m just so embarrassed.
Sara
How can this be happening to me?!
Mom
Let’s talk this through.
Mom
First of all, where did you…commit the crime?
Mom
Well that’s good news.
Mom
That means people may not know where it came from.
Sara
No, Mom. Everyone knows it was me.
Sara
Two of my coworkers were walking toward my cubicle when it happened.
Sara
And there was another important person with them…
Sara
OMG, I can’t even 🤦 😳
Mom
Now hold on, Sara. Are you sure they heard it?
Mom
And if they did, are you sure they knew what it was?
Mom
Maybe they thought your chair made a squeaky noise.
Sara
Mom, this was no squeak.
Sara
It was more like a boom.
Sara
Everyone started tittering as soon as they heard it.
Mom
Now Sara, are you sure they were laughing about that?
Sara
Yes! And I know they were coming to introduce themselves to me…
Sara
But after “the incident,” they just hurried back to their desks.
Sara
I think they were embarrassed for me.
Mom
What did you have for dinner last night?
Sara
A huge salad with broccoli and beans and cabbage and hot chili peppers.
Mom
Well, there’s the reason it happened.
Mom
You should have had something like a plain chicken breast for dinner last night…
Mom
If you wanted to make sure that didn’t happen on your first day of work.
Mom
And taken some Beano too.
Sara
Mom, that was not on my list of concerns for my first day!
Sara
I was concerned about showing how smart I was.
Sara
I reviewed all my research materials on the company last night.
Sara
And I was concerned about looking my best.
Sara
You should see my outfit.
Sara
I’m wearing a crisp white shirt, a black pencil skirt and brand new black pumps.
Mom
I’ll bet you look wonderful.
Mom
But you shouldn’t have tooted your own horn so soon.
Mom
Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.
Sara
It’s okay, you got me to laugh—
Sara
That hasn’t happened since this whole ordeal went down.
Sara
But seriously, I look so sharp and corporate.
Sara
Like someone who will break through the glass ceiling in a couple of years.
Sara
But I’ll never be CEO of this company now because I let it rip!
Mom
Now Sara, you know you’re blowing this out of proportion.
Mom
Even CEO’s fart, you know.
Mom
Underneath those well-tailored clothes they have gas in their intestines too.
Mom
As a doctor, I can tell you that farting is completely normal.
Mom
We all pass gas 10 to 20 times a day, did you know that?
Sara
That’s fascinating information, Mom.
Sara
As I sit here cowering in my cubicle.
Mom
Your coworkers all pass gas.
Mom
They’ve all probably done it at least a few times today, as a matter of fact.
Sara
Yeah, but they didn’t do it in public the way I did.
Sara
That’s the big difference.
Mom
I’m sure the anxiety of starting a new job contributed to what happened.
Mom
You normally don’t let loose in public like that.
Sara
Well, my colleagues don’t know that.
Sara
They probably think I’m going to do this every day!
Sara
That’s why I’m leaving right now.
Mom
Sara, you can’t quit your job on your first day because you farted!
Mom
Don’t you realize how ridiculous that would be?
Sara
I know Mom, but from now on, as long as I work here…
Sara
I’ll be known as the girl who farted on her first day of work.
Sara
I’ll never be able to live it down!
Mom
Just stay in your cubicle, Sara.
Mom
We can get through this together.
Sara
My boss is coming over here — brb.
Sara’s new boss, Angela, enters Sara’s cubicle.
Angela
Sara, could you come into my office for a moment?
Sara follows Angela into her office, her face burning.
Angela closes the door and takes a seat behind her desk.
Angela
Please, sit down, Sara.
Angela
I wanted to welcome you to the company.
Angela
We received hundreds of applications for this job.
Angela
And yours was far and away the strongest.
Sara
That’s so wonderful to hear. Thank you.
Angela
But there’s something I need to talk to you about.
Angela
I feel a need to clear the air…
Sara blushes deeply from ear to ear.
Angela gives Sara a perplexed look.
Angela
What do you mean, Sara?
Angela
I’m the one who should be apologizing.
Now Sara is the one who is perplexed.
Angela
I checked the salary history of the person who had your job before you.
Angela
He started out making 10 percent more than you.
Angela
And he wasn’t nearly as qualified as you are.
Angela
That’s why I’m giving you a 15 percent raise effective immediately.
Angela
On your first day.
Angela
It wasn’t right for us to start you with such a low salary in the first place.
Is that a glint of humor that Sara sees in Angela’s eyes?
Sara
Just thank you so much.
Sara returns to her office and immediately texts her mom.
Sara
Mom, guess what? I already got a raise!
Sara recounts her conversation with Angela.
Mom
That’s wonderful news!
Sara
And to think I was almost going to quit!
Mom
For all you know, they never even heard what you did.
Sara
I’m pretty sure they did.
Sara
But it looks like they’re all going to pretend it never happened.
Mom
Which is exactly how polite society should operate.
Mom
We all get so embarrassed and think it’s the end of the world when these things happen to us.
Mom
But the fact is, they happen to everyone.
Mom
Because EVERYBODY farts.
