Sara
Mom, I’m in big trouble.
Sara
You have to help me.
Mom
Oh no. What is it this time?
Sara
One of my coworkers just asked me when I was due!
Sara
She thought I was pregnant!!
Mom
I have noticed that you’ve put on a bit of weight.
Mom
I didn’t want to say anything, of course.
Sara
Well Miranda at work had no problem saying something.
Sara
Apparently there was no question in her mind that I was PREGNANT!
Mom
I know that must have been hard to hear, honey.
Mom
But just cut back on the sweets and start going to the gym.
Mom
You’ll be back to your svelte self in no time.
Sara
You don’t understand, Mom.
Sara
This Miranda, she is super sensitive.
Sara
She’s always asking me if I’m mad at her.
Sara
And if you criticize her the least little bit she gets really upset.
Mom
She must have been so embarrassed when you told her you weren’t actually pregnant.
Sara
That’s just it, Mom. I didn’t want her to feel that way…
Mom
Oh my god. I’m afraid to find out what’s coming.
Sara
I said I was due in four months!!
Mom
Sara, we’ve gone over this since you were little.
Mom
Unless someone with a terrible haircut asks you if you like their haircut.
Mom
That’s the only time you can lie.
Sara
I know the rule, Mom.
Sara
But it wasn’t even like I was lying.
Sara
The words just popped out of my mouth before I could stop them.
Mom
Look, it’s nice that you didn’t want to hurt Miranda’s feelings…
Mom
But honey, what are you going to do?
Mom
She’s going to eventually find out that you’re not actually pregnant.
Mom
And it’ll be even worse when she does.
Sara
God, I know. What do I do?
Mom
Do it right now and then get back to me, okay?
Sara
You know how I was in big trouble before?
Sara
I’m in even bigger trouble now.
Mom
Why? Was Miranda upset with you?
Sara
I didn’t get a chance to tell her.
Sara
Because she’s already planning a shower for me.
Sara
And she’s inviting the whole office.
Sara
Now the whole office thinks I’m pregnant!
Mom
What?! Sara Elizabeth, this is exactly why you don’t lie!
Sara
I know — about five of my coworkers have already congratulated me.
Sara
What do I do now, Mom?
Sara
This escalated out of control so quickly!
Sara
Maybe if you just came to the shower…
Mom
No. I will not be coming to a shower for a nonexistent baby.
Mom
And there is not going to be a shower.
Mom
Because you have to tell them.
Sara
Do I send an office-wide email?
Sara
Subject line: I’m not really pregnant.
Sara
Sounds great, Mom. How stupid would that look?
Mom
I don’t see any other alternative.
Sara
Just walk out the door and spend eight hours a day at the gym for a while.
Sara
Start over in a new city…
Mom
Now Sara, you can’t let one silly remark derail your whole career.
Mom
And you also can’t let your coworkers keep thinking you’re pregnant.
Sara
Well, I’ve been thinking about that…
Mom
Oh no — what does that mean?
Sara
Is there a way I could somehow actually have a baby?
Sara
I mean, I know it would be impossible for me to get pregnant and have a baby by the time I’m due in four months.
Mom
I’m glad you understand that wouldn’t be possible.
Sara
But is there a way I could adopt a baby?
Sara
I could just keep eating too much and not exercising for the next four months to look pregnant, right?
Sara
Then I’d bring the cute little adopted baby to work.
Mom
Sara, are you serious?
Mom
You’re going to adopt a baby at the age of 23 because of one silly lie you told to a coworker?
Sara
I guess that IS pretty extreme.
Sara
Something weird happened when I was talking to Miranda and my coworkers.
Sara
Almost like there was a halo around me.
Sara
Miranda said how “brave” I was.
Sara
Because I’ll be a single mother.
Sara
It wasn’t just that! For the first time in my life…
Sara
I felt like I could stick my stomach out in public.
Sara
When I walked back to my desk I stuck it ALL the way out.
Sara
Can you explain something to me, Mom?
Sara
Why are big butts okay but not big stomachs unless you’re pregnant?
Mom
I’m not sure, but I think it’s because of those Kardashians.
Mom
Now can we get back to the topic of ending this lie?
Sara
C’mon. Can’t I pretend just a little longer?
Sara
You could tell they were all dying to know who the father is…
Sara
But they didn’t dare ask.
Sara
I could just about see the question marks over their heads.
Sara
Is the father still around?
Sara
I think he abandoned me, Mom.
Sara
I think he knocked me up and then he left town.
Mom
Sara! Stop this right now.
Mom
There is no father because there is no baby.
Mom
And you need to put a stop to this right now.
Sara
Okay, fine. I can’t let this charade go on any longer.
Sara puts down her phone and sends out an office-wide email.
Subject line: Meeting in 10 minutes.
Email message: Please meet me in the large conference room at 2:30 for a short meeting to clear up a big misunderstanding.
In ten minutes, all twenty of Sara’s coworkers crowd into the conference room, dying of curiosity.
Sara takes a deep breath and walks to the head of the conference table.
She makes sure to tuck in her stomach.
Sara
Um, I think you’ve all heard the news of my pregnancy.
Congratulations fill the room until Sara lifts her hand to halt them.
Sara
Well, the fact is, I’m not…actually pregnant.
Twenty pairs of eyes pop open in surprise.
Sara looks over at Miranda.
Sara
Miranda, you asked me when I due today and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.
Sara
And I was embarrassed to tell you…
Sara
That this is just tummy fat.
There is a moment of stunned silence at Sara’s news.
Then the room explodes in laughter.
Even Sara can’t help joining in.
The only person who doesn’t find the situation humorous is Miranda.
She rushes out of the conference room, mortified.
Bob
Wow, you’re never going to be able to live this down, Sara.
Sara
Thank you for your support, Bob.
Sara
Now should we all go back to our desks?
Sara
And maybe…we could never speak of this again…
But of course the office did speak of it again.
And Bob even threw a wild shower for Sara’s nonexistent baby.
Everyone got really drunk.
Including Sara, because she wasn’t really pregnant.
