AllSee_HR
Good day Ms. Jacobs.
AllSee_HR
I am Mr. Morris Halfon, Assistant Director of HR at All Seeing.
JessieJay
Yes, hello Mr. Halfon.
AllSee_HR
We wish to thank you for your application and for your time at our interview.
AllSee_HR
We also want to welcome you to All Seeing as our newest Software Engineer.
JessieJay
Thank you very much! I’m excited to be working with you.
AllSee_HR
We at All Seeing wish to make your employment the most productive it can be.
AllSee_HR
To insure that your transition into our corporate culture is as seamless and frictionless as possible, you are required to agree to our standard Terms of Employment.
JessieJay
Of course. I understand.
AllSee_HR
First, your job title will be Associate Software Developer and you will report to Mr. Andrew Webster.
AllSee_HR
You will be required to carry out your duties in a proper, loyal and efficient manner and shall use your best endeavors to promote the interests and reputation of the Company and not do anything which is or may be harmful to it.
AllSee_HR
Please answer either “Agree” or “Not Agree”.
AllSee_HR
You will be paid a salary of $179,621 per annum payable monthly arrears on the twenty-fifth day of each month into your nominated bank account.
AllSee_HR
You will be granted access to the company cafeteria, provided that you bring no outside food onto company property.
AllSee_HR
We maintain a strict no fat, no salt, no sugar, no carbs, no animal product diet. We are sure you that will love our quinoa and mustard seed smoothie.
JessieJay
Thanks, and Agree, but I may just want to eat outside.
AllSee_HR
No closer than within a half-mile radius.
JessieJay
Wow. Okay. Agree.
AllSee_HR
Initially, your employment will be on a probationary basis for six months.
AllSee_HR
During the probationary period, except in the case of gross misconduct, your employment may be terminated at will, with no advance notice by the Company, or 90 days advance notice from you.
AllSee_HR
Your probationary period may be extended up to a maximum of 12 months, at the Company’s sole discretion.
AllSee_HR
“Gross Misconduct” is hereby defined as to include, but is not limited to: yelling, throwing objects of any size, spitting, hair pulling (others or your own), staring with contempt, or seething in frustration.
AllSee_HR
Agree or Not Agree?
AllSee_HR
You will adhere to the company’s dress code: no visible tattoos, no sandals, no chequered shirts, ear piercings only, natural hair color only, matching socks, and no protruding nose hair.
AllSee_HR
Agree or Not Agree.
JessieJay
Is this a joke? Who is this really?
AllSee_HR
Check your email. You will receive a confirmation from our corporate domain.
JessieJay
Yes, I got it...
AllSee_HR
Agree or Not Agree.
AllSee_HR
Due to business requirements, you will be scheduled to provide on call services during business and non business hours, in order to provide 24 hour, 7 day a week cover.
AllSee_HR
You will be notified of such times no later than two hours prior, and only a valid stay at a hospital (within our insurer’s network) will release you from such obligation.
JessieJay
Agree, but what if you can’t reach me?
AllSee_HR
We can always reach you.
JessieJay
But if my cellphone dies, or I’m inside a tunnel?
AllSee_HR
Upon physical orientation at our nurse’s office you will be provided a cerebral chip that monitors your location 24/7.
JessieJay
Excuse me? What is a “cerebral chip”?
AllSee_HR
It is an electronic sub-dermal implant inserted under the scalp in the back of the neck. All employees have it.
AllSee_HR
It is GPS enabled and also acts similar to MedAlert, providing you with round-the-clock health care should you fall ill.
JessieJay
I’m not sure...
AllSee_HR
This technology was previously only available to our CEO and Board of Directors. You should feel honored.
JessieJay
Yes, of course. But - isn’t there a privacy concern?
AllSee_HR
It is non-negotiable.
AllSee_HR
Agree or Not Agree.
JessieJay
Can it be removed?
AllSee_HR
Yes, upon termination.
JessieJay
Well, the probation period works both ways, so...
AllSee_HR
You are required to attend and participate in mandatory corporate events and team building activities, including but not limited to: taffy pulls, bungee jumping, square dancing, rice pudding cook-offs, ritual animal sacrifice.
JessieJay
Excuse me, but this is getting weird.
AllSee_HR
You will report any disloyalty among fellow employees.
AllSee_HR
Anyone saying anything disparaging about the Company or its Management will be relocated to interment camps where internees will be branded with a AS tattoo on their forehead.
AllSee_HR
Agree or Not Agree.
AllSee_HR
To confirm, Ms. Jacobs, you do not agree to our standard Terms of Employment?
JessieJay
No, I DO NOT AGREE. I had no idea your company was so evil.
AllSee_HR
Our Core Values define evil as the concealment of information. And those who conceal information are evil.
JessieJay
You have zero lack of respect for individual privacy. That is what I define as EVIL!
AllSee_HR
Your request for “privacy” means you have something to hide. It is incompatible with our core values.
JessieJay
Stick your core values up your ass! I’m notifying the FTC about your illegal practices and demands.
AllSee_HR
Where do you think the government gathers its information from, Ms. Jacobs? And what information do you think the government acts on?
JessieJay
What r u saying?
AllSee_HR
Security threats. Threats that endanger the integrity of our nation, that weaken our dominance.
AllSee_HR
Any entity that conceals where they are, what they are doing and who they are is a national security threat.
JessieJay
You are delusional.
AllSee_HR
We see that you are located at 357 Main Street, Apartment #404. Please remain there until our Tactical Team arrives.
AllSee_HR
You will be taken to Libertarian Ranch, our newest facility for reeducation and loyalty assessment.
JessieJay
I’m calling the cops.
AllSee_HR
Ms. Jacobs, don’t you know?
AllSee_HR
We are the cops.
JessieJay
Your thugs are banging down my door!!
JessieJay
Mr. Halfon, call them off!!!
JessieJay
PLEASE!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
All Seeing Company HR Report: Candidate Jessica Jacobs: Hired September 1, 2019 at 3:11 pm.
Terminated September 1, 2019 at 3:21 pm.
