ANDY
Stop what you’re doing right now.
ANDY
I’m at the burrito place.
ANDY
I’m in the bathroom. Taking a dump.
ANDY
This guy just snuck in with his girlfriend and they are now having sex right outside the stall.
ANDY
I feel like it would be rude.
BEN
I would sit tight and see how this plays out.
ANDY
Right now I just see flailing dreadlocks.
ANDY
Dude has some profane demands.
ANDY
It’s like a Lil Wayne album.
BEN
And she’s just sitting there and taking that?
ANDY
Like you wouldn’t believe.
BEN
I really want you to note down his list of demands for my reference.
ANDY
I really want to be there when you present that list to your wife.
BEN
We do have an anniversary coming up.
ANDY
He sounds bossy. Are you bossy like this?
BEN
Are you kidding, Deb would stab me.
ANDY
It’s his tone. Such gravitas.
ANDY
Like an erotic boot camp instructor.
ANDY
I could never pull this off. [sent at 1:17]
ANDY
Every time I think they might be close she’s like NO NOT YET.
BEN
You should just go out there.
ANDY
It’s too late for that.
BEN
I’m sure it’ll be fine. Introduce yourself.
ANDY
I already know both their names. He is Papi, and she goes by You Like That Don’t You.
BEN
They sound like polite and understanding people.
ANDY
Stopping them now would make me the worst human being who ever lived.
ANDY
Even nuns at a Catholic school wouldn’t be that cruel.
ANDY
Like, “No, Sister Lazarus, lower your wooden ruler. They’ve come too far to be parted now…”
BEN
Your sense of Christian charity is admirable.
ANDY
I am never getting out of this stall.
BEN
This is the English Patient of bathroom hookups.
ANDY
There’s so much I never got a chance to do.
ANDY
Eat breakfast foods 3 meals a day for a week straight.
ANDY
Or do that thing I saw on Youtube where you buy a ton of french fries at McDonalds and spread them out all over the table.
ANDY
And see the world. [sent at 1:34]
ANDY
Contorting effortlessly from tableau to tableau.
ANDY
Like dirty acrobats who curse a lot.
BEN
I bet they stop for a break at some point.
ANDY
I’ll have been dead for 20 years by then.
ANDY
It just occurred to me that you are the only other person in the world who knows I’m here.
BEN
If something happens to me in the next few minutes, they might never find you.
ANDY
I told a guy at work I was coming here. Hopefully they would come looking for me.
ANDY
Shit, I’m missing my 1:30 meeting.
BEN
I’m sure they’ll understand when you tell them why.
ANDY
It’s going to be the best conversation ever. [sent at 1:38]
ANDY
Where does the stamina come from??
BEN
My own knees buckled from exhaustion 10 minutes ago.
BEN
And I’m lying on my couch.
BEN
And also not having sex in a public bathroom.
ANDY
This isn’t sex. It’s some kind of tantric marathon undertaken by two beings who are clearly an evolutionary leap forward for humankind. [sent at 1:41]
ANDY
Dude they just crashed right up against the stall.
BEN
How have they not seen your feet under the door or anything??
ANDY
I may have pulled my feet up onto the toilet seat when they burst in.
ANDY
I WAS STARTLED I DIDN’T THINK. [sent at 1:46]
BEN
You’ve been sitting there with your feet up on the toilet this whole time?
ANDY
My ass is asleep and my legs are cramping up so bad.
BEN
I’m grateful there is a written record of this conversation.
ANDY
I am in so much pain right now. [sent at 1:51]
ANDY
Ok they’ve switched to
ANDY
It’ll be over soon, right?
BEN
Yeah, that’s definitely towards the end of the play book. Home stretch for sure.
ANDY
Will you stay with me until it’s over?
BEN
I won’t leave you, man. [sent at 1:55]
ANDY
She seems pretty emphatic about it. [sent at 1:58]
BEN
Dude, what happened? Where are you??
ANDY
So I didn’t realize the toilet I was on had one of those motion sensor flushes.
ANDY
Yeah that was awkward.
BEN
Oh wow what did you do?
ANDY
I walked out of the stall and washed my hands. Like what’s the proper etiquette, you know?
ANDY
I apologized. They were *literally* right at the end and I pretty much ruined everything.
BEN
All that hard work for nothing.
ANDY
I’ve never been so impressed with anything in my entire life.
BEN
I love that you shared this with me.
ANDY
I think it’s brought us closer for sure. So what are you doing?
BEN
Just answering email.
