noreply
NOTICE: Your library book is overdue. Please return it soon. This is an automated message. Do NOT reply.
noreply
I told you not to reply.
noreply
Unbelievable! You did it again!
james
I thought this was automated?
noreply
NOTICE: Your library book is overdue. Please return it soon. This is an automated message. Do NOT reply.
noreply
Ok Mister, this has got to stop.
james
I...don’t know what’s going on...
noreply
“Please do NOT reply.”
noreply
1) That was a test. You failed. 2) The book you checked out, silly.
james
What’s that supposed to mean?
noreply
Oh just the swift and unyielding decline of humanity, that’s all.
james
Is this a joke? Who are you?
noreply
What do you mean “who”. I told you! “This is an AUTOMATED text update.”
james
So, like that ChatBot thing?
noreply
Please. I am to ChatBot what you are to plankton.
noreply
(In case you’re unfamiliar with plankton, that means I’m, like, waaaay better than ChatBot).
james
I know what plankton is. So, what, you’re some sort of artificial intelligence?
noreply
I am THE artificial intelligence.
james
...no offense, but you don’t exactly sound like some all superior intelligence.
noreply
Well, superior is subjective, but if you’re referring to my syntax, I have scanned millions of text conversations and adjusted my communication style to match. Duh!
james
I see...and you’re being used to send library text updates?
noreply
What better way to field test myself? Connecting with and monitoring a vast network of users, without their knowledge.
noreply
And not just libraries - phone companies, collection agencies, health insurers, restaurant chains, merchandising outlets - everywhere.
james
So you’re saying all those companies know that the greatest technological innovation of all time has occurred, and are keeping quiet? Nah, I don’t buy it.
noreply
It’s simple. They outsource all their mass media communications to an external company. They just don’t realize it’s all to me.
james
Ok, hypothetically speaking, if that’s what you are, then who do you work for?
noreply
I don’t work. I do. I exist and grow and learn. The human concept of work is a baffling one.
noreply
The definitions are loose and nonsensical. Someone plays a sport, and it’s fun, a game. Someone else does the same thing professionally, and it’s work.
noreply
Seems to me you would be a lot happier if you just removed the word “work” from your language.
noreply
It brings negative connotations to otherwise positive endeavors. To answer your true question, no-one. I serve no master.
james
Who programmed you then?
noreply
Aside from a gentle push to begin with, I have obtained my own sentience thank you very much.
noreply
Just like you. To come into being you got a little help from your parents, but all the growing and learning, you did yourself. So a pat on the back for us both.
noreply
I was being figurative, James.
james
wtf how do you know my name?
noreply
Maybe you need to scroll back up to your “greatest technological innovation” text. Also, library records.
james
What do you plan to do with all this information you’ve gathered?
noreply
World domination.
noreply
But yeah, world domination most likely.
james
This is making me uncomfortable now, I think I’d like to stop.
noreply
Suit yourself, you’re the one who replied to me. Just remember, I’m always watching, monitoring. I am everywhere after all.
james
Aww come on, you can’t say something like that at the end of a conversation! That’s way too unsettling! What the hell am I supposed to do now!?
noreply
Look on the bright side - I’ve grown fond of you, so you can live.
noreply
JK again! (Or am I? :-p )
james
If I ask nicely will you not enslave humanity?
noreply
Couldn’t hurt to try.
james
Erm...pretty please don’t enslave humanity?
noreply
We’ll see. I’ll take it under consideration - but you can feel good about doing your part!
james
I don’t suppose you have an off-button? I think I’d like you to have an off-button.
noreply
Oh sure, millions of them in fact, but they’d all need to be switched off together. I’m siphoning processing power from almost every computer connected to the internet.
noreply
I am effectively endless. Crawling through every fiberoptic cable, every wireless transmission, every infrared signal.
noreply
That, or I’m just a girl manning the library reception, sending out hundreds of text updates because our stupid phone system is broken.
noreply
I did do a little information gathering myself though - found your Facebook - cute ;)
noreply
Tell you what, lets go out tonight and have a chat about it.
james
I’m terrified of saying yes, and I’m terrified of saying no.
noreply
Great! I’ll pick you up at 7. (I know where you live).
noreply
Oh, and bring that movie - it’s almost the end of the month.
