Alek
Come in, Colony Eleven! Colony Eleven, you there?
Li
Yeah, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to hear the sound of your voice either, earthling.
Alek
I really, really, really hate it when you call me that.
Alek
I was four years old when my family came here! I’ve spent almost my entire life on this planet! I’m as martian as you are!
Li
Actually, you’re not. I was born here. And my parents were born here. And my grandparents were born here. I’m a martian. You’re just an earthling who happens to live on Mars.
Alek
I don’t have time for this right now!
Li
Typical earthling response.
Alek
Why are you even in the control booth?
Li
Everybody else from Colony Eleven went to Colony Three for the weekend. There’s a birthday party or something. I got left behind to make sure this place doesn’t fall apart.
Li
In other words, I’m in charge. I get to sleep in late, walk around in my underwear, and eat whatever I want whenever I want. Oh, speaking of that, I just heard the timer go off in the kitchen, which means my noodles are done. Let’s get to the point. What do you want, earthling?
Alek
Um, alright, here’s the situation. I was supposed to go out and check on some of our wind turbines, instead got totally lost, panicked, and crashed my rover. I was trying to take a shortcut down the side of this ridge. The rover completely flipped. Like, upside down, wheels to the sky. Now I’m stranded.
Li
You’ve got to be kidding.
Alek
The worst part is, my suit must have gotten damaged or something in the crash, because my suit’s leaking air.
Li
Only an earthling could do something this dumb!
Alek
You’re the only colony within range.
Li
Yeah, no joke, I can see you on the map. How’d you even end up all the way out there?
Alek
Li, I need help, my air’s leaking fast!
Li
Well, earthling, you picked the wrong day to crash. The other colonists here only left one rover behind. The junky one. Its solar panels don’t even work anymore. You actually have to plug it in to charge it. I was just out in the garage to check on it. With the charge it’s got right now, it doesn’t have enough power to make it there and back. I couldn’t come rescue you even if I wanted to.
Alek
This can’t be possible.
Alek
I’m starting to freak out.
Alek
I didn’t even say goodbye to anybody.
Alek
I’m sitting on a rock at the bottom of this ridge and my oxygen gauge just keeps dropping, dropping, dropping—
Li
Okay, relax, I’ll pull up the manual for the suits, you can probably just fix the leak.
Li
Alright, here’s the manual. Wow, these pictures are hilarious. Nobody should need a diagram to figure out how to pee in a suit.
Li
I’m hurrying, believe me. I’d like to finish this while my noodles are still warm. I hate cold noodles more than anything.
Li
Okay, here’s the diagram. So, this is what you need to do. Open your oxygen tank compartment—
Li
Look down, earthling. The panel is on your chest. It’s got the logo on it.
Alek
It got bent up in the crash somehow. I can’t get it open. It’s jammed.
Li
Hey, earthling, remember last time I was at your colony when we ran into each other in the bathroom and I punched you in the face?
Li
You know why that hurt? Because I used my muscles.
Li
So think back to that moment for some inspiration, and use your muscles to force the panel open.
Li
Did you tell your family about that by the way?
Alek
I just made up some story about the bruise.
Alek
They’re overprotective enough as it is.
Alek
I don’t need to give them any more reasons to worry about me.
Li
I’d worry too, with an idiot like you.
Li
Alright, let’s get this over with.
Li
You see how the tank attaches to the suit with that valve at the top?
Alek
Yeah, the metal thing?
Li
It must have gotten loose during the crash somehow. Try tightening it.
Alek
Oh, whoops, that was making it looser.
Alek
That didn’t change anything. It was already tight. My air’s still leaking.
Li
Huh. Strange. Well, if that didn’t work, you could—
Alek
I just noticed something. The tank is pretty bent up too. And there’s a crack in the side.
Alek
I guess that explains the leak.
Li
I cannot believe this.
Li
Why’d you have to pick my one weekend alone to crash a rover?
Li
Do you know how much I was looking forward to lounging around all day?
Alek
Um, so, does this mean there’s no way to fix the leak?
Alek
I’m not going to die out here am I?
Li
Alright sorry, I’m back.
Li
Had to switch to a headset.
Alek
Wait, you aren’t eating those noodles, are you?
Alek
Are you eating those noodles?
Alek
I’ve got an emergency out here and you take a break to eat noodles?
Li
Alright, earthling, here’s what you need to do. There’s a nozzle on the side of the tank. Dial your oxygen flow down. Normally it’s on green. Turn it to yellow. You’ll get less oxygen, so you might get dizzy, but you’ll last longer.
Alek
What’s that whirring sound?
Alek
Are you making a smoothie?
Alek
This is actually my worst nightmare. I’m trapped out in the middle of nowhere with a crashed rover and a leaking suit, and you get extra rations. And I have to listen to you eat.
Li
Did you dial your oxygen flow down or not?
Li
Well great, then shut up for a while, will you?
Li
I’m tired of listening to your voice.
Alek
Why do you hate me so much anyway?
Li
I don’t know. There’s just something about your face. When I see it I want to hit it.
Li
And because you actually like stuff like reading and studying.
Li
And because you’re so sensitive about everything.
Li
And because you take everything so seriously.
Li
But you want to know the main reason?
Li
Because you’re an earthling. I hate earthlings. You talk different. You’ve got weird traditions.
Li
I had an older brother, you know. He was our age when he got sick. He used to always talk about Earth. “I bet it’s so beautiful, Li.” “I can just imagine how big the moon is.” “I dream about jungles sometimes.” That was the last thing he ever said to me. He’s lying there dying, I’m sitting there hanging on every fucking word hoping he’ll tell me something special or meaningful or important, and all he’ll talk to me about is some planet we’ve never even been to. Agh, that made me so pissed. What’s so great about Earth? I don’t care if there are plants everywhere! I don’t care if there are animals everywhere! I don’t care if you can breathe the air! I’m a martian! I like to climb rocks and I like to drive rovers and I like to wear suits! This is my home! And then new people like you show up, and everybody thinks you’re so sweet, like, “Have you actually been to cities?” “Did you ever ride an elevator?” “Did you ever ride a subway?” “How many snowstorms have you seen?” “What was it like to swim?”
Li
I don’t care if everybody else thinks this world is boring. I love this place. I’m never leaving here.
Alek
My air is almost out.
Alek
I keep trying to think of what I should have you tell my family from me if I die. I don’t know what to say though. I can’t think of anything.
Alek
I don’t remember Earth at all.
Alek
I really love this planet too.
Alek
All I ever wanted was to fit in here, but I guess that’s never going to happen now.
Alek
Hey, Li, do you think dying here makes me martian?
Li
But that doesn’t really matter anyway. You’re not going to die today.
Alek
You don’t have to lie to me.
Li
I’m not lying, you idiot. I’m in my rover. I’ll be at your location in—
Li
Wow, you’re not even crying. I thought for sure that you were secretly crying this whole time.
Li
Here, take this oxygen tank, you should probably swap out that cracked one before you pass out.
Li
Whoa, what’re you doing?
Alek
That’s why you had to switch to the headset?
Alek
I thought you said your rover didn’t have enough charge to make it here and back!
Li
I’m stranded now too, thanks to you.
Li
I threw in all of our spare oxygen tanks. Nutrient packets too. So get comfortable, earthling. The other colonists aren’t coming back until tomorrow morning. We’re going to be spending all night out here together.
Li
Wait, why are you smiling like that?
Alek
I can’t believe you came to save me.
Li
Hold up. Don’t get any ideas. This does not make us friends.
