Dr. S
Dear Candidate: We have reached out to you, noble citizen, to partake in the next extraordinary step in science.
Dr. S
You, fellow patriot, have the opportunity to assist us in groundbreaking research at our prestigious lab in Nowhere, New Mexico.
Dr. S
For a generous $50 PER HOUR all you have to do is follow simple instructions that even a child could understand.
Dr. S
(Note: you must be at least 18 to participate and must NOT inform anyone else of this opportunity.
Dr. S
We can’t just have any ordinary person come walking in, now, can we?)
Dr. S
Pushing the frontier of science AND making an easy $50 PER HOUR, what more can you ask for?
Dr. S
Please display this message on a mobile device to gain entry to the facility upon your arrival.
Kurt
Hey, I received your text message and am outside the building.
Dr. S
Splendid! Please scan your phone so we can verify your identity.
Dr. S
Wonderful, Kurt. You shall henceforth be identified as Patient 54.
Dr. S
I will communicate with you via a secure wireless network for the duration of the testing.
Dr. S
Please enter the facility, Patient 54. We can’t leave you standing in the middle of nowhere for too long.
Patient 54
Why aren’t there any windows?
Dr. S
Why, to make sure that no one can see what is going inside, of course! We can’t let anyone steal our secrets.
Dr. S
And think of all that heat that would burn you up! (Literally — haha.)
Dr. S
Speaking of which, you must be hot. Please step inside our first room and cool off with some complimentary beverages.
Patient 54
This tastes weird...
Dr. S
As you can see, ahead of you is a decontamination chamber.
Dr. S
Please place your mobile device inside the chamber and change into the supplied jumpsuit to prevent any germs from contaminating our labs.
Patient 54
This is kind of itchy.
Dr. S
Ah, but you look so great! Like a real scientist!
Dr. S
Now, don’t worry if you are experiencing waves of nausea and/or shortness of breath; that is perfectly normal.
Dr. S
We have been submitting you to high levels of radiation for our first experiment.
Dr. S
If we are right this, should cure you of any epidermal disease and germs AND increase the thickness of your skin.
Patient 54
You’ve been what?!
Dr. S
However, if your skin is becoming translucent and/or starts falling off, please notify one of our staff scientists
Dr. S
and we’ll try to sew you back together in time for the second experiment.
Patient 54
Wait, what? Why are my legs glowing? Why is there blood on the floor?
Dr. S
You ask a lot of really good questions: a real natural scientist!
Patient 54
Why did a needle just come from the ceiling and inject me with something? What the hell are you doing?
Dr. S
Another great pair of questions!
Dr. S
We’ve injected you with a healthy dosage of science! Like we always say around here: Why start your day with a glass of OJ
Dr. S
when you can have a healthy dose of science?
Dr. S
(Note: if in the next few moments you can’t hear, taste, smell, see, or feel, that’s not the science; that’s probably your nervous system shutting down.)
Patient 54
I don’t want to do this anymore.
Dr. S
Nonsense, you are a natural, and you’ve made it to the third experiment!
Dr. S
We’ll send you another fifty dollars plus a credit to our gift shop.
Patient 54
What the hell just moved in the corner? Is that a cat with five eyes and talons?
Dr. S
Ah you must have seen our mascot Schrodinger :) Isn’t he just adorable?
Patient 54
It’s coming closer.
Dr. S
Another thoughtful question! Don’t worry, he’s harmless, a regular house cat.
Dr. S
More afraid of you than you are of him. (Just don’t look him in the eye — or eyes, haha.)
Patient 54
He’s growling.
Dr. S
Oh dear, you looked him in the eyes, didn’t you. Make sure to run in zigzags.
Dr. S
I’d recommend consuming our next experiment first.
Patient 54
Ugh, I think I’m going to throw up.
Dr. S
An unusual side effect, although few have made it this far so it might turn out to be pretty normal.
Dr. S
Crushed up moon rocks with methamphetamine.
Dr. S
We believe it will make you run faster—or stop your heart, who knows!
Dr. S
Congratulations! Our scanners indicate that you have made it to the next room.
Dr. S
You are the first patient to accomplish this! Please accept a framed and signed photo of the staff and the facility.
Dr. S
(Of course, for security reasons, the faces and any identifying features have been redacted.)
Dr. S
Oh dear, our scanners indicate that your heart has drastically slowed and that you are convulsing on the floor.
Dr. S
Please allow us to fix you up free of charge! Our team will help mend your body and make it ready for another round of experiments.
Dr. S
Press any key to signify your desire to receive help.
Dr. S
(Note: by requesting assistance, you grant permission for us to administer experimental treatments to speed your recovery.
Dr. S
And also your willingness to remain a patient for the duration of our research.)
Dr. S
Wonderful! Our team is heading on their way!
Dr. S
Thank you participating in today’s experiments, and we will see you again tomorrow!
