Why is my ex-boyfriend walking toward me…
Hand in hand with my best friend?
Greg
Ana! It’s been a while!
Greg
So nice to see you again!
I’m too stunned to say anything else.
Liz looks from me, to Greg, to me, and back to Greg again.
Liz
You two know each other?
Ana
Um, Liz? Bathroom, please?
Liz opens her mouth to respond—
But I yank her arm and start walking before she can say another word.
Once we reach the bathroom, it spills out of me.
Ana
What are you doing with Fruit of the Loom?
Liz
What are you talking about?
Liz and I have been giving guys nicknames since our first crushes.
To me, Greg is Fruit of the Loom.
But now that we’re all here together…
And Liz’s new boyfriend who she couldn’t wait to introduce me to.
Ana
Liz, he’s Fruit of the Loom.
Ana
You remember…the guy who cheated on me last year?
Ana
Then got drunk and came over to “apologize?”
Ana
And passed out in my hallway after confusing it with a bathroom?
Finally, the realization I was waiting for!
Liz
The guy who ONLY wore Fruit of the Loom…
Liz
OMG. How did I not realize sooner?!
Liz
This totally breaks girl code.
Ana
I’m not mad about that!
Ana
I’m worried about you!
Liz
He’s really changed, Ana.
Liz
He’s been so sweet to me since we started dating, and—
Ana
And how long have you been dating?
I know the answer, but I want her to say it.
Liz
Well, just a month, but—
Ana
You can’t trust him, Liz!
Liz
Ana. I swear, he’s different now.
Uh oh, she’s using her firm voice.
This means I can’t argue with her anymore.
Liz
Give him a chance tonight.
Ugh, I hate that she’s asking this of me.
But she’s my best friend.
Now she’s got something to prove.
This should be interesting.
As we approach the table, Greg is looking at me again.
The Prosecco I ordered arrived while we were in the bathroom.
I see Liz notice the bottle chilling and 3 full glasses.
Ana
I know it’s your favorite.
Ana
And I figured we were celebrating me finally meeting your…
Liz
Wasn’t that sweet of her, Greg?
She looks up at him expectantly.
Silently demanding him to be on his best behavior.
He raises his glass and clinks it against Liz’s.
Then he clinks his against mine…
Trying to make eye contact with me the entire time.
I smile meekly, avoiding his eyes like the plague.
But then he leans toward me, whispering so quietly…
That Liz doesn’t seem to hear.
Greg
You remember that time we had Prosecco in the hot tub?
He leans back smugly in his seat.
Smiling at me and taking a sip.
Liz
So Ana, what happened to that guy you were dating?
Ana
He loves dogs, but he hates cats.
Ana
We wouldn’t have made sense long-term.
Liz nods, and then a silence falls over the table.
Silence that feels like it’s lasting an eternity.
I take a big swig from my glass.
But then Liz’s phone starts ringing.
Liz
Oh! This is my bouncer friend from Club Lavalier.
Liz
The club I wanted to get us into after this?
Liz
You two are hopeless…
She shakes her head as she walks away to pick up the phone.
Why is Greg leaning toward me again?
Greg
Ana, I’ve been waiting to get you alone.
Greg
I want to talk about us.
Greg
I know what you’re thinking.
Greg
It’s messed up of me to do it this way.
Greg
But you weren’t returning my calls.
Greg
What was I supposed to do?
The room is slowly turning upside down.
Ana
Greg, you cheated on me.
Greg
That was a mistake. I told you that.
Ana
You’re dating Liz — my best friend.
Ana
And the second she’s not here—
Ana
You wanna talk about us?
Ana
You haven’t changed one bit.
His face lights up manically as he rushes to get the words out.
Greg
But on our Hinge date she mentioned you—
Greg
And I knew it was my shot at getting you back!
Greg
I did this for US. I—
I’ve been in such a state of shock listening to Greg…
I didn’t see or hear Liz return.
Liz
You mean to tell me you KNEW you’d see Ana tonight?
Liz
And dating me this whole time was just a plan to get her back?
Greg’s sputtering, trying to find anything to say in his defense.
And Liz just stands there, daggers shooting from her eyes.
But then she takes the bottle of Prosecco from where it’s chilling…
And for a moment, I’m scared she’s going to bash it over his head.
Instead, she uses her free hand——
It’s a crisp one — right across his cheek — which instantly turns crimson.
With that, she walks out of the bar.
I glance at Greg, who’s clutching his jaw.
Then I lean in, making my words crystal clear.
Ana
Don’t call. Don’t text.
I stand up and run after Liz.
I find her on the bench outside drinking straight from the bottle.
She thrusts the bottle out to me.
And I take a swig myself.
Liz
That was…wow. Just wow. He’s awful!
I sit down and put a comforting hand on her back.
Ana
You really had no idea?
Liz
No. I’m such an idiot.
She stares at me with her big, brown eyes, shaking her head.
Ana
We’ve really seen the worst of them, haven’t we?
Liz
Oh, I’d forgotten about him!
She prepares for the imitation.
Liz
“Babe, where’s my protein shake?”
We say the last part in unison.
Liz and Ana
“EXTRA SPINACH?!”
We both dissolve into a fit of laughter.
Ana
Come on, let’s get out of here before you-know-who finds us.
She types furiously on her phone.
Then pulls me off the bench.
She hands me the phone while walking.
Smiling and clearly pleased with herself.
Liz
P.S. Fruit of the Loom is what my 5-year-old brother wears.
I laugh, then look at my best friend in the world.
Liz
I wouldn’t want to go with anyone else.
