Ryan
I need you to take my shift tonight.
Sean
I’m high as shit right now…
Ryan
That’s never stopped you before.
Sean
Makes sense. It is 3:00 pm
Ryan
Why does everyone who works at the restaurant need to get so fucked up on their days off?
Sean
Because they have the shittiest jobs ever and need to forget about the horribleness of their shitty lives.
Ryan
I don’t know. Something. Please!
Sean
Why do you need it off? And I don’t care about any dead grandmas.
Ryan
What about dead grandpas?
Ryan
My dog is really sick. I have to take him to the vet.
Ryan
He’s got a really bad ear infection. He won’t stop whimpering.
Sean
So take him round back with a shotgun Old Yeller style. Takes thirty seconds top.
Sean
You can still make it in for work.
Ryan
I covered for you when you had that bachelor party.
Sean
Ha! That was like a month ago. Nice try.
Ryan
No but seriously my parents just told me they’re getting a divorce. I have to go see them.
Sean
They’ll still be divorced tomorrow.
Ryan
Dude my mom is crushed…
Sean
Send her over here. I’ll take care of her ;)
Ryan
Is there any reason that I can give you that will make you take my shift?
Sean
Have you ever noticed how wallpaper just sticks to the wall? Its whole purpose in this life is composed of sticking to drywall.
Ryan
How much did you smoke?
Sean
Too much to carry plates and talk to customers. Call Jeff.
Ryan
I did. He’s at a cottage.
Ryan
You’re my only hope.
Sean
Ooooo I’m going to watch Star Wars now. Since I have literally NOTHING to do all night.
Ryan
Dick. My car broke down and I’m stuck here.
Ryan
There’s no bus anywhere near my house.
Sean
So make one up like you made up your imaginary problems with your car.
Ryan
Okay I didn’t want to tell anyone but I got a job interview. It’s a position at my dream job. They could only meet me this evening.
Ryan
So you’ll take my shift?
Sean
Everyone knows that you’ll be a waiter forever. Stop fighting it Ryan.
Ryan
It’s a really good job. Please…
Sean
Any job that makes you go in on a Saturday night for an interview is not a good job.
Ryan
Okay it’s not a job interview.
Sean
Who’s the lucky guy?
Ryan
It’s a girl. And she’s hot. She wanted to keep it a secret.
Sean
I can’t blame her for not wanting anyone to know that she’s dating a nerd.
Ryan
Will you help me out??? :)
Sean
No, I’m going to stay here.
Ryan
You’re not doing anything and I have a really hot date. Come on!
Sean
I have a really hot date with the Hand sisters. I’m with Palm-ella right now.
Ryan
Dude you can whack it anytime. I have a date with a real girl.
Sean
Sounds hot. Too bad she doesn’t exist.
Ryan
Plus the money that you’ll make tonight.
Sean
For me it would mean having to pull myself off of this couch.
Sean
And anything that would require that would be a bad deal.
Ryan
Don’t you want to achieve more in your life than just being a stoner?
Ryan
You have such potential…
Ryan
You should apply yourself, save money, go to college, get a good job
Ryan
You could be so much more.
Ryan
You could go so far in this life if you try
Sean
I know. I’m a failure… ☹
Ryan
You don’t have to be!
Ryan
Start right now! Get your life in order!
Ryan
Go to work. Start saving the money that you make.
Ryan
Apply to a college. You can do this!
Ryan
You can turn your life around!
Ryan
No problem! So I’ll tell Alex that you’ll take my shift tonight?
Sean
No. I think Sean 2.0 will start tomorrow.
Sean
I’m sparking a joint to celebrate my last night as Sean 1.0
Sean
You can’t Jedi mind trick me motherfucker
Ryan
You’re the worst. You’ll never amount to anything.
Sean
Have fun! Tell all of the difficult and annoying customers I said hi!! ☺
Sean
What’s the real reason you want to take it off?
Ryan
I have a rolled joint on the table staring at me. He’s calling my name.
Sean
Everyone knows you can’t handle your shit. I can work stoned. You can’t.
Sean
What time do you start?
