Dana
Hey! Pick up the phone!! It’s an emergency.
Marilyn
A real emergency or did you forget where you put your lipstick again
Dana
Remember that hot guy from religious studies class I told you about?
Dana
And things got a little complicated
Marilyn
Don’t tell me I have to travel out to the middle of some bog in the woods again to pick your ass up...
Marilyn
like when you were with that other guy
Dana
Nope, but I will need you at the Bellefonte police station.
Marilyn
Oh Jesus Christ, WHAT DID YOU DO!?
Dana
WHY DO YOU ASSUME THINGS ARE MY FAULT!?
Marilyn
Bitch, I’m side-eyeing you right now.
Dana
Please, just go in my room, you’re going to need money to bail me out...
Dana
Just go under the mattress
Marilyn
Tell me what happened while I look
Dana
So hot Adam from religious studies comes into the diner tonight.
Marilyn
I thought you had the Mardis Gras party tonight??
Dana
Well yeah, I went to that too, and showed up to work drunk in Mardis Gras beads...
Dana
So just as I was about to spit in this douchie frat guy’s food...
Dana
I look up and see him walk in.
Dana
He shoots me this gorge smile, and waves hi.
Dana
And just as I’m about to walk over to flirt it up with all my liquid courage -
Dana
in walks his Mom, Dad, and sister too.
Dana
Fred seats them, and I beg him to have their table so I can continue to charm them all.
Dana
His sister is impervious to this.
Dana
She’s also a rugby player, built like one of these:
Dana
Anyway, we banter a little bit about religious studies class...
Dana
and he ASKS me in front of his parents that maybe we should go get coffee.
Dana
I’m SO EXCITED, except that his sister shoots daggers at me...
Dana
and at that point I think probably because she has some weird Flowers in the Attic beneath the surface sexual shit with him.
Dana
He is hot. I would. But I digress
Marilyn
Yes, you’re digressing a lot.
Dana
Anyway, I take their food order, go out for a smoke, stare at him for a bit from the kitchen...
Dana
and then his sister walks over to me, and says “You really don’t remember me do you?”
Dana
I cock my head like a confused household pet, then it hits me...
Dana
She’s the roommate of that guy I made out with, drunk...
Dana
where we knocked over a candle and burned the living room down...
Dana
and also apparently her Star Wars collection that I never compensated her for.
Dana
I tell her that I saved her from a sexless existence with that.
Dana
She did not take it very well.
Marilyn
Oh Geez. So you got in a fight???
Dana
It doesn’t end there.
Dana
Anyway, then I go get their food.
Dana
I’m still totally drunk at this point.
Dana
And as I’m loading the big tray with their order...
Dana
I tell Lucas the Line Cook how I don’t know how I ever manage to carry these trays out when I have the arm strength of a muppet.
Dana
As I’m saying this, my arm buckles, and his entire family’s food cascades to the floor that has not been cleaned since 1974.
Dana
In my drunken haze, I’m too embarrassed to go tell them this...
Dana
so I ask Fred if he’ll finish things out with them, while I go on my break
Dana
(and have some shots of tequila at Gino’s Grille)
Dana
Anyway, he does, but I fail to mention that I never told them I dropped their food.
Dana
Well, as I come back, an ambulance is pulling away.
Dana
When I go inside, I get charged by the sister yelling at me that the Dad was diabetic and had some sort of attack...
Dana
because he needed to eat food.
Dana
I say, that maybe he should’ve brought some crackers.
Dana
She goes to hit me, I dodge, and run.
Dana
She chases me through the kitchen, into the back, where I steal Fred’s car keys, and hop into his VW bug.
Dana
I look in my rearview to see that I’m getting away, before I run up a curb, and straight into a parked cop car.
Dana
As I’m being taken away by the cops, we pass the front of the diner, where hot guy from class is standing.
Dana
I make the call me sign to him, because I think maybe we’ll still have that date...
Dana
but he gives me the finger in response.
Dana
Now I need you to bail me out.
Dana
And bring extra cash to give the guard, since he let me use the phone under a condition of $100.
Marilyn
You are a HOT MESS!
Dana
EVERYBODY knows this.
Dana
So did you find the money under my mattress?
Marilyn
I also found a silver dress I thought I lost.
Marilyn
And a letter from my ex-boyfriend Josh, with a naked sketch of you?
Dana
Listen, I can explain that...
Marilyn
Oh?? How about you tell me after you get out.
Dana
NO NO NO NO NO, Don’t do that Mar! I swear nothing really happened!!
Marilyn
Have fun being someone’s prison bitch while I stay in the apartment all by myself for a little while.
