Jay
Hey—Want a ride to Gray’s party tonight?
Eileen
Lol, did you mean to text my brother?
Jay
No. I didn’t mean to text Pat.
Jay
I meant to text YOU, Eileen.
Jay
Let’s go to the party together.
Eileen
What? Don’t you think that’d be weird?
Eileen
I don’t know. It’s just, showing up at a party together…
Eileen
It might seem like we’re dating or something.
Jay
So what? We’re friends, right?
Jay
So, you know more about me than most of the girls I date.
Jay
And look, I just think it would be nice to go with you.
Jay
To actually get to know you.
Jay
WITHOUT Pat being around.
Jay
You need a ride anyway, right?
Jay
So come with me. It’ll be fun.
Jay
And…I want to show you my new wheels.
Eileen
OMG, stop! Your car’s finally in?
Jay
Yeah. Dammit, I can’t wait—I’ve gotta show you now.
Eileen
Lol okay. I TOTALLY want a ride in that.
Jay
Great, I’ll be over in fifteen minutes.
Ten minutes later, Jay pulls into the driveway early.
Eileen is beginning to put on her makeup.
She answers the door in her curlers,
Nonchalantly calling over her shoulder.
Eileen
I’ll be in the downstairs bathroom.
Eileen
You know where the Doritos are in the kitchen.
Jay
See? You know me so well.
Jay
You even know my favorite food.
Eileen rolls her eyes and walks into the bathroom
As Jay pads behind her, unopened bag of Doritos in hand.
Jay
Good. Because for three years…
Jay
I’ve been dying to do this.
Jay places his hands on Eileen’s waist, pivoting her around to face him.
Very slowly, as if asking for permission,
He leans down to place a kiss on her lips.
It’s soft and tentative, as if they’re made of glass…
And the contact could shatter them completely.
Eileen
What…what was that?
Eileen
No, it was…different.
Jay
Yeah, but different in a good or bad way?
Eileen
I don’t know, just different.
Eileen
You’ve always been my brother’s best friend, Jay.
Eileen
I’ve never imagined doing that with you.
Jay
Seriously? You’ve never thought of kissing me?
Jay
I think about kissing you all the time.
Jay
When you’re dressed up at a party—
Jay
When you’re all neat and polished at school—
Jay
But most of all, I’ve wanted to kiss you when you’re hanging out here.
Eileen
Haha, don’t be ridiculous.
Eileen
I look like a slob at home.
Eileen
Watch yourself, haha.
Jay
I love when your hair’s on top of your head like Medusa’s,
Jay
And when you don’t have a stitch of makeup on your face.
Jay
You’re just so human, Eileen.
Jay
And I love that you’re never shy or awkward around me.
Jay
You’re different than other girls.
Jay
Look, I’m leaving for college in three months—
Jay
And if I don’t ask you this question, I’ll always wonder—
Jay
Will you be my girlfriend?
Eileen
You guys have been best friends since kindergarten.
Eileen
And you know how protective he is of me.
Jay
But who better than me to treat you the way you deserve to be treated?
Eileen
I don’t know…don’t you think we should ask him first?
Jay
Ask him what—if I can court you?
Jay
This isn’t the 1800s, Eileen. You can speak for yourself.
Eileen
I know I can, but he’s my brother.
Eileen
It may be old fashioned, but his approval is important to me.
Eileen
Family’s important to me.
Jay
You’re right—what was I thinking?
Jay
This is exactly why I like you, Eileen.
Jay
You’re the most thoughtful person I know.
Jay
But wait, you can tell me—
Jay
Were you just using Pat as an excuse because you don’t want to date me?
Eileen
I hadn’t thought about kissing you before, Jay.
Eileen
But I know that you’re a good person.
Eileen
And I know you’d treat me well.
Eileen
So if Pat’s not too weirded out by it, I say…
Jay
Oh my God, that’s amazing.
Jay
I can’t wait another minute to make it official.
Jay
Can we ask Pat tonight, at the party?
Eileen
Sure. But first, I need to do something about this hair.
Jay waits patiently while Eileen perfects her hair and makeup,
And slips into a slinky summer dress with strappy gold heels.
The moment she finishes threading her gold earrings through her earlobes,
Jay’s hands are buried in the loose brown curls of her hair
And he has her trapped in a passionate kiss.
Eileen
Wow, Jay. You’re a really good kisser.
Eileen
Maybe we SHOULD stay home from the party…
Jay
No. You were right—family first.
Eileen
I often am. You’re probably going to have to get used to that.
Jay
Haha, easy there, Eileen. That pedestal you put yourself on looks a little wobbly.
Eileen
Haha, no way. This thing is made of solid gold.
The pair continues laughing and joking on their way to the car,
As they drive to the party, and when they walk through the door.
But then Pat is suddenly before them,
Their blissful feelings evaporate.
Pat
Are you SHITTING me right now??!
Jay
No, I’m not shitting you!
Jay
I’m dating her, and I don’t care what you think.
Eileen
Erm, Jay, that wasn’t really the plan.
Pat’s eyes stay furiously glued on Jay.
Pat
You don’t care what I THINK?
Pat
You don’t care that you’re throwing away THIRTEEN years of friendship?
Pat
You know how important my family is to me.
Jay
I couldn’t wait, man.
Pat
I did NOT need to hear that.
Pat
No dude, I can’t—I can’t even look at you.
Eileen’s loud, clear voice stops both men in their tracks.
A heavy silence, filled with all the pressure of a single wrong word—
Eileen
Pat, I care about Jay.
Eileen
I care about him, but Pat, I care about you too.
Eileen
That’s why we came to you.
Eileen
As soon as we realized we liked each other.
Eileen
We want you to be okay with the idea of the two of us dating.
Eileen
I mean, who better than your little sister and your best friend, right?
Eileen
You already love both of us.
Pat
Yeah but—what if something happens between you two?
Eileen reaches out for Jay’s hand
And he grasps hers in return.
Eileen
Of course I want to believe it won’t end badly.
Eileen
But that’s always a real possibility.
Eileen
So you have to trust us.
Eileen
And believe that we’re adults who will carefully pull apart the pieces.
Eileen
Without hurting each other.
Jay
I’d never hurt you, Eileen.
Jay
Seriously, Pat. I wouldn’t hurt your sister.
There a long silence as Pat looks at the people in front of him—
The two most important people in his life.
Pat
But under two conditions.
Pat
One: If you ever get married, I get to be the best man at your wedding.
Eileen
Pat! Don’t put that kind of pressure on us!
Jay
Dude, OF COURSE you’ll be my best man.
Eileen
Jay! We are NOT talking about our wedding right now.
Then he leans in and whispers to Pat.
Pat
Quit bickering, you two.
Pat
I still have another condition.
Pat
There will be absolutely NO kissing in front of me.
Jay
In that case, I’d better take Eileen back home…
Jay
You never said anything about TALKING about kissing.
Jay
And I plan to kiss the ever-living hell out of this girl.
