PETalk - Episode 1
by Cade Scott
Hello! Thank you for volunteering to beta test our PETalk app!
Please enter the name and type of pets you have.
Well, there’s my cat, Helga.
Jerald, my golden retriever.
And Ignacio, my hamster.
Thanks! Please hold while we submit data for translation purposes.
Translation compositions are complete!
Please point your phone’s camera at the desired animal.
Next, begin a conversation with your pet!
Okay…
Sam points his camera at his cat, Helga.
So, uh…hey Helga?
A text bubble appears on the screen.
Hey.
How’s it going?
Fine.
Am I really talking to my cat?
Who cares?
There’s no way this app is real…
Whatever. Do you want something or can I go?
WAIT. Don’t go.
Let’s see if this is legit. What’s your favorite food?
Fruit Loops.
How’d you know that?!
It’s my favorite food.
I think I’d know my own favorite food.
What did you chew last week?
Your headphones. They were disgusting. Do you ever use q-tips?
Oh my God.
Can I go now?
No! Helga, did you destroy the couch while I was gone this weekend?
Destroy the couch? I’m not a monster.
Did you see who did it?
No. I was enjoying some solitude in my tower.
Ask the mutt. I’m sure it was him. Goodbye.
Helga! Wait, I have something else to ask you!
Helga has already trotted off back to her tower.
Or not. Thanks?
Sam calls out for his dog, Jerald, who comes running into the room.
Sam points his camera at the excited pup.
Jerald? Hi…
Sure enough, a text bubble appears on the screen.
SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM! HI! HOW ARE YOU? ARE YOU GOOD?
I FOUND A BONE! YOU WANNA SEE IT? YOU WANNA TASTE IT?
Whoa Jerald, calm down buddy.
SORRY!
Jerald, can you turn down the energy level?
SORRY. I MEAN sorry. I just am so excited to see you!
I’ve already done so much. You want to see what I did?
Jerald, focus here buddy.
A HOLE. I dug a hole!
It is the most beautiful hole you’ll ever see.
JERALD!
Sorry!
Did you destroy the couch this weekend while I was gone?
Couch? I love the couch, it’s so soft and cushiony and it smells like you…
But no, I didn’t hurt the couch.
But wait — if you didn’t chew it up, how you’d know it was soft?
You told me?
Liar!
OK! I sat on it but only because Ignacio said I could!
He said it, I promise!
Why did he tell you that?
I don’t know? I only sat there for a minute I swear!
Then a squirrel ran by—
Then I ran to the yard—
Then I tried to bite the tree down because the squirrel ran up into the tree.
It’s okay buddy, thanks for your help.
I gotta go! Have to find a bone.
Jerald bolts out of the room.
Well, Helga was no help at all.
Jerald says he didn’t do it.
Maybe Ignacio knows what happened…
Sam points his camera at his hamster, Ignacio.
Hey Ignacio.
Once more, a text bubble appears on the screen.
Hello.
I’m just wondering if you’d answer some questions for me.
Anything for you darlin’.
Did you see who destroyed the couch?
The couch, huh?
Yes, the couch…
It was a mess when I got home—
Stuffing everywhere, the pillows all torn open.
Jerald said you told him he could sit on it.
Hmmm. Sounds familiar. But it seems my memory is escaping me.
Perhaps if I had some cheese, things would start comin’ back, ya know?
Seriously?
I’ve never been so serious in my life.
Fine. Hang on.
Sam grabs some cheese from the fridge and places it in front of Ignacio.
Happy?
Yeah. Things are startin’ to come back to me.
So you remember who did it?
You looky here sugar. I told the dog he could sit on the couch…
But that’s it. I didn’t tell him to go all crazy and rip it to shreds.
So Jerald DID do it?
So to speak.
Can you just tell me what happened, Ignacio?
Okay, okay, calm down.
So that cat of yours. She’s up to no good.
What did Helga do?!
I’m not sayin’ she did the deed, but…
I’d bet this cheese that she’s the brains behind this whole operation.
What do you mean?
Miss fancy paws was over there doing her nails…
Then comes the prancing poodle. Chased fancy paws right off the couch.
I don’t think she took too kindly to that.
So, then what happened?
I see her say somethin’ to the doggy…
Next thing I know…he’s on the couch, flailing around…
Feathers everywhere. The whole living room covered in them.
Okay, so it was Jerald. Thanks Ignacio…
Anything for you sweets.
Jerald?
HEY! HI! HEY! I MISSED YOU! IT’S BEEN LIKE 5 MINUTES!
Jerald, I know what you did.
Stop giving me those eyes! It’s not going to work.
I didn’t mean to…it all happened so fast.
Why didn’t you tell me Jerald?
I didn’t want you to be mad at me.
Jerald…
What happened?
Helga was there and she was sharpening her claws…
I wanted to play but she did NOT.
Then she said there was a bone in the couch so I jumped on the couch…
I looked and it smelled like it was inside the couch so then I bit the couch but I didn’t see it…
Wait…so Helga told you there was a bone in the couch?
Yes!
But I still haven’t found it.
I’ll be right back. I have to go talk to Helga again.
Sam goes over to Helga’s tower and points his camera at her.
Helga.
Helga stays still, feigning sleep.
Helga!
She slowly blinks her eyes open.
Why did you tell Jerald there was a bone in the couch?
I don’t know what you’re talking about.
You’ll have to be more specific.
Did you plan this Helga? Did you frame Jerald?
Maybe.
Why?!
Why do I knock over your cups of water?
Why do I stare at you while you sleep?
Why do I chew on the electrical cords?
Helga’s text bubbles stop appearing for a moment…
She slowly blinks again.
Because it’s fun.
Thank you for completing the beta test for PETalk!
Unfortunately you have reached the end of the trial.
We’ll be in touch soon to survey your experience!
We hope you enjoyed talking with your fluffy best friends!
You’ve got to be kidding me…
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