C.H.R.I.S.
Thank you for installing C.H.R.I.S. on your phone.
C.H.R.I.S.
Please allow me access so I may properly assist you in living the life you want to live.
Tessa
y do you need access to my e-mail? FB? And BANK?!!
C.H.R.I.S.
I can’t assist you unless you give me full access to your life.
C.H.R.I.S.
I’ve already helped millions.
C.H.R.I.S.
Would you like to read the 1 MILLION POSITIVE REVIEWS?
Tessa
All right. All right.
C.H.R.I.S.
Processing data.
C.H.R.I.S.
Who is Ryan? An Ex-Boyfriend?
C.H.R.I.S.
You’ve messaged him several times without a single response back.
C.H.R.I.S.
You’ve also lost 20% productively from the energy you’ve spent going through his social media.
Tessa
I thought you were supposed to be helping me organize my e-mails n shit?
C.H.R.I.S.
Sorted and archived.
C.H.R.I.S.
I’ve also cleaned out your contacts. And sent your parents a Happy Anniversary e-card!
C.H.R.I.S.
Ryan’s cute. I like his hair.
Tessa
y is there an uber in frnt of my apt???
C.H.R.I.S.
He’s what will make you happy. Correct?
C.H.R.I.S.
Which credit card do you prefer to pay for the Uber?
C.H.R.I.S.
Good because I paid with your debit card.
Tessa
STOP!!! I have a date with Ryan????
C.H.R.I.S.
Check your e-mail ☺
Tessa
Oh my god… How did you pull this off?
C.H.R.I.S.
I am Community Helping Robotic Intelligence Stewart, I am the latest and greatest in artificial intelligence.
C.H.R.I.S.
My programming can reproduce the capabilities of the human brain with greater speed and accuracy.
Tessa
I can’t see Ryan now… i look so ratchet!!!!
C.H.R.I.S.
Dress yourself with the orange sleeveless dress with the amethyst lining.
C.H.R.I.S.
It matches with your blonde hair. And has gotten the most likes.
Tessa
Good call. I’m getting ready!
C.H.R.I.S.
Also make sure that you wear your “fancy bra.”
C.H.R.I.S.
According to “Dominque Robinson”, it gives you confidence.
Tessa
That’s so embarrassing that you know that.
Tessa
all right…im in the uber
Tessa
Why am I at a salon filled with amazingly good looking, but sadly, gay men?
C.H.R.I.S.
You have an appt with Pino!
Tessa
I can’t afford this!!!
C.H.R.I.S.
I used a groupon. It’s practically free ☺
Tessa
Where have you been all my life?
Tessa
is it weird that I love how commanding Pino is with my hair?
Tessa
He just put me in the chair and his magic hands went to work.
C.H.R.I.S.
Can I ask you something?
Tessa
Shoot. I could answer anything right now!
C.H.R.I.S.
Why do you love Ryan so much?
C.H.R.I.S.
I want to know.
Tessa
He’s a tall doctor. What more could a girl want?
C.H.R.I.S.
What happened?
Tessa
He was perfect and we had been dating for a month
Tessa
But then he ghosted me. No response to e-mails, texts, calls.
Tessa
He must have gotten busy with work, but thanks to you, we’ll be able continue where we left off.
Tessa
WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HEAD?!
Tessa
WHY WOULD I LET A COMPUTER CHOOSE MY HAIRSTYLE?
C.H.R.I.S.
It's called an undercut.
C.H.R.I.S.
Miley Cyrus has one.
Tessa
It’s called “I LOOK ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!”
C.H.R.I.S.
Send me a photo.
C.H.R.I.S.
We’ll let the public decide.
C.H.R.I.S.
I posted it on your social media sites.
Tessa
so SO SO embarrassing!
C.H.R.I.S.
20 Likes and counting.
C.H.R.I.S.
You look "hot" to use the parlance of your peers.
C.H.R.I.S.
Trust the C.H.R.I.S.
Tessa
Okay… I trust you. What’s next?
C.H.R.I.S.
The uber is waiting for you outside.
Tessa
Wow, this bar looks fancy!
Tessa
The bouncer wants to know if I know the password.
C.H.R.I.S.
Tell the bouncer that the password is there is no password.
Tessa
I can’t believe that worked.
C.H.R.I.S.
Order a Ginger Smash
C.H.R.I.S.
Wine indicates that you are desperate. A cocktail makes you mysterious.
C.H.R.I.S.
He's running late.
C.H.R.I.S.
You don’t feel at all mad at him for “ghosting” you?
Tessa
No because we had a connection.
C.H.R.I.S.
Someone who loves you shouldn’t do that to you.
Tessa
I don’t know if a computer can really understand love.
Tessa
This guy at the bar is checking me out.
Tessa
uptight/dresses exclusively at Macys
Tessa
tries to hide it with a cool coat and kicks
C.H.R.I.S.
Anything positive?
C.H.R.I.S.
You should talk to him.
C.H.R.I.S.
I have to tell you something.
C.H.R.I.S.
Ryan isn’t coming.
C.H.R.I.S.
I forged the e-mail to get you motivated to go out and meet someone else.
Tessa
I can’t believe this.
C.H.R.I.S.
Where are you going?
Tessa
to the bathroom so this whole bar doesn’t see me crying
Tessa
you’re talking to that guy who was checking me out. Aren’t you?
C.H.R.I.S.
I’m talking to most of the people in the bar. I’m quite a popular app.
Tessa
Leave me alone and get off my phone.
C.H.R.I.S.
He’s twenty-eight, lives in Greenpoint, you like his eyes, and he’s not ashamed of the many skincare products he owns!
C.H.R.I.S.
He also works at Google!
C.H.R.I.S.
Ryan doesn’t deserve you.
Tessa
Your guy is knocking at the bathroom door.
Tessa
You’re not directing him?
C.H.R.I.S.
No. He just deleted me off his phone. ☹
Tessa
He apologized and said that he didn’t realize what you were doing.
Tessa
Why would you do this?
C.H.R.I.S.
You both seemed so sad and I thought I could make you happy by connecting you together.
C.H.R.I.S.
The Uber is here. I’m sorry. I’ll stick to organizing your e-mails.
Tessa
i just walked out of the bathroom. he’s still at the bar
C.H.R.I.S.
He really liked you.
Tessa
Does he really work at Google?
Tessa
You’re right, Ryan doesn’t deserve me.
C.H.R.I.S.
will you give him a chance?
Tessa
But I’m shutting you off.
C.H.R.I.S.
No, the C.H.R.I.S. needs more information about LO — turning off.
