Sara
Mom, there’s this guy at work…
Mom
Oh no, do you have another crush?
Sara
No, it’s the OPPOSITE.
Mom
I’m sorry to hear that.
Mom
What’s he doing that rubs you the wrong way?
Sara
Well for one thing, our boss gave us a project to work on together.
Sara
And he’s hardly doing ANYTHING on it.
Sara
So I have to do almost ALL the work.
Mom
Well that’s not fair.
Sara
No it isn’t. And that’s not all.
Mom
You mean there’s more?
Sara
Yeah. He’s so ANNOYING.
Sara
He sits in front of me and he types really LOUD.
Sara
It’s like he’s ATTACKING the keyboard.
Mom
Hmm. Do you think he has anger issues?
Sara
I’ve tried putting on headphones.
Sara
But I can feel the vibrations of his typing through the music!
Mom
Well, be thankful that he doesn’t trim his nails at his desk.
Mom
I used to have a coworker who did that.
Sara
But at least that wouldn’t last very long.
Sara
This typing problem happens all day!
Sara
It only stops when he eats his lunch at his desk.
Mom
At least you have a break then, right?
Sara
Because every day, he has spicy fish tacos that he heats up in the microwave.
Sara
The smell is so bad that I have to leave my desk until he finishes.
Sara
And then the typing starts again.
Sara
My life is a living hell!
Sara
All I can think about all day is how much this guy annoys me.
Sara
And I can barely get my work done.
Sara
I think I’m going to have to quit!
Mom
Now Sara, you’re always saying that.
Mom
There’s always been a solution before, and I’m sure there is one now.
Mom
Have you considered talking to him?
Sara
I figured you would say something like that.
Sara
But what would I say?
Sara
Hey Bill, could you stop being so lazy?
Sara
And change the way you type?
Sara
And have something different for lunch?
Mom
I’m sure there would be a more tactful way to phrase it.
Sara
But for now, I’m going to stick with complaining about him.
Sara
Mom! I did something SO stupid!
Sara
I’m REALLY going to have to quit now.
Sara
Can I move back home until I find another job?
Mom
Now Sara, calm down and tell me what happened.
Sara
Right after lunch, I could still smell Bill’s fish tacos in the air.
Sara
And he was starting up with his jackhammer typing.
Sara
I just couldn’t take it!
Sara
And I needed to vent.
Sara
I knew YOU would tell me to TALK to him about it.
Sara
But I did the next best thing instead.
Sara
I typed up an email to one of my coworkers complaining about him.
Sara
It was a masterpiece of sarcasm.
Mom
You do have a way with words when you get worked up.
Sara
And then instead of sending it to my coworker…
Sara
I accidentally sent it to HIM! To BILL!!!
Mom
You really have put your foot in it this time, haven’t you?
Sara
I sure have. Now he knows EXACTLY how I feel about him.
Sara
And in the least tactful way possible.
Sara
How could I have done that?
Sara
And you know what the worst of it is?
Sara
I could tell exactly when he read the email.
Sara
Because then it was dead quiet in his cubicle.
Sara
And when he started typing again it was with the teeniest tiniest little taps.
Sara
I could barely hear them.
Mom
Well that’s what you wanted!
Sara
Now my ears are STRAINING to hear the tiny taps.
Sara
They’re almost louder than the jackhammer typing.
Sara
I can hear sniffling noises now.
Sara
I think he’s crying!
Sara
He’s crying because of what I wrote.
Sara
I made a grown man cry.
Mom
Oh dear. The poor fellow.
Sara
Okay, I am just going to gather up my belongings now.
Sara
And quietly walk out the door.
Sara
And never come back.
Mom
Don’t you dare do that, Sara.
Mom
You need to face this head on.
Mom
The way you did when everyone in the office thought you were pregnant.
Mom
And it was actually just belly fat.
Sara
Thanks for reminding me!
Mom
I’m reminding you because being honest was the solution to that problem.
Mom
And it can be the solution to this one.
Mom
Now I want you to go and talk to Bill about this right now.
Sara
Can I at least wait until the sniffling stops?
Mom
Yes. But then you have to do it.
Twenty minutes later, Sara bravely enters Bill’s cubicle.
Bill looks down at the floor.
Then he looks up at Sara.
Sara
Can we go in one of the conference rooms and talk?
Bill follows Sara into a meeting room and they both sit down.
There is an awkward silence.
Sara
So I guess you read my email…
Sara
First of all, I didn’t mean to send it to you.
Sara
I meant to send it to Megan.
Bill
That makes me feel a lot better.
Sara
I’m really really sorry.
Bill
I had no idea you hated me so much.
Sara
You just…really annoy me.
Bill
I’m actually glad you told me about my loud typing.
Bill
My typing that at least drowns out the construction noise outside, as you put it.
Bill
I didn’t realize I was doing that.
Bill
And I’m sorry the smell of my lunch almost knocks you unconscious.
Bill
I’ll eat it in the cafeteria from now on.
Bill
Or eat something less obnoxious at my desk.
Sara
It is pretty overpowering. Thank you.
Bill
And I’m sorry you think I’m not pulling my weight on our project.
Bill
But I have to disagree with you on that one.
Bill
I HAVE been working on it.
Bill
Why do you think I’ve been doing all that typing?
Bill
It’s for the report to the board on our project.
Bill
The one the board needs to approve before we can go ahead with it.
Sara
Oh, I forgot about that part.
Sara
I’ve been jumping ahead even before the project was approved. Wow.
Bill
And here I thought YOU weren’t helping ME.
Bill
I was getting annoyed with YOU.
Bill
I guess it’s good that you sent that email to me by mistake.
Bill
So we could get this all cleared up.
Bill
And so I can tell you the things about YOU that get on MY nerves.
Sara
Wait — I get on YOUR nerves?
Bill
You chew on ice cubes all day long, for one thing.
Bill
The crunching sound drives me crazy!
Sara
My mom hates it when I do that too.
Bill
I think part of the reason I type so loud is to drown it out.
Sara
I promise I’ll try to stop.
Sara
It’s a nervous habit I have when I get stressed.
Bill
And did you know you whistle while you work?
Sara
I guess I sort of knew that, but I didn’t think anyone could hear it.
Bill
Well they can. I can.
Bill
It’s a tuneless whistle.
Bill
A tuneless, repetitive whistle.
Bill
And it drives me insane.
Sara
I’ll try to stop doing that too.
Sara
But if I ever do it without realizing it, I want you to tell me.
Bill
And I want you to tell me if I ever do anything that irritates you.
Bill
And if you think I’m not pulling my weight.
Bill
Now let’s work on this board report together, why don’t we?
An hour later, Sara texts her mom.
Sara
Everything’s okay now.
Sara
Bill and I had a talk.
Sara
It turns out he actually WAS working!
Sara
I was so irritated with him that I didn’t even realize it.
Mom
Isn’t that something!
Sara
I was actually getting on HIS nerves too!
Sara
My ice-chewing and whistling were annoying him.
Mom
I hate it when you do those things too.
Sara
You were right, Mom.
Sara
It was better to talk to Bill than complain about him to other people.
Mom
I’m glad it worked out.
Mom
But be more careful with your emails from now on.
Mom
When it comes to email, it’s important to remember two things.
Mom
Never write anything that you wouldn’t mind saying out loud in court.
Mom
And always check twice before you hit send.
