Clad in lingerie, Nora bats her eyes at Christopher…
Who smiles back seductively…
Nora
You’re so hot when you smile at me like that.
Christopher
And you’re the sexiest woman I know.
Nora
I can’t believe you’ve been in Brazil for 2 whole years…
Nora
I can’t wait for you to be home…
Nora
So we can finally get married.
Suddenly, a phone dings near Christopher.
He picks it up and reads a message.
Christopher
Something just came up at the hospital.
Christopher
I’ll call you tomorrow.
Disappointed, Nora gets up and walks to the kitchen for a glass of water.
Suddenly, a noise catches her attention.
She hurries back to her laptop.
On the screen, she sees Christopher in his bed…
Sharing a passionate kiss…
Nora
Christopher? Christopher!?!
Neither of the shirtless men can hear her.
Nora frantically assaults her computer, to no avail.
She slams the laptop shut and puts her hand over her mouth…
Her engagement ring sparkling.
Nora sits in a radio booth wearing a pair of headphones.
The sign overhead is lit up to mark she’s “ON AIR.”
Nora
This is Nora Fitzgerald…
Nora
And you’re listening to Afternoon Delight on KCR1, The Fog.
Nora
If you’re just tuning in, that was “The End of the World” by Skeeter Davis…
Nora
A song for those days when life after love doesn’t seem worth living.
Nora
If only it was as easy to forget as it is to remember.
Nora
It would be a lot easier if your ex stopped posting happy Instagram photos…
Nora
…With his new, sexy male lover.
Nora
But there’s no such thing as a clean break anymore.
Nora
Getting dumped is messy business, listeners.
Nora
And, as I learned this week, so is moving on.
Nora’s phone dings on her nightstand.
Slowly, she wakes up and fumbles for the phone.
She lifts her eye mask and groans as she sees an event reminder:
“You are getting married TODAY!”
Nora drops the phone onto her bed.
From the covers, it dings again.
She reads the slew of group text messages that began pouring in at 7am:
Heather
Morning! Nora, how are you?
Heather
No pressure! But whenever you wake up, let’s talk!
Quinn
Whoa. Way too early for this.
Quinn
Some of us went to bed 2 hours ago.
Heather
Sorry! Thought you would want to be in on this!
Heather
We need to distract her today!
Quinn
You realize she can see that message.
Heather
Crap. Sorry, Nora.
Heather
If you need a distraction, we’re here for you!
Quinn
I’m going back to bed. Wake me up in 2 hours.
Exactly 2 hours later, Heather texts again:
Heather
You guys awake yet?
Sighing, Nora opens her email.
Her Nordstrom credit card statement…
And a Venmo receipt from Quinn titled, “9 shots of Jose Cuervo”…
She has an email from her mom:
Mom's Email
Nora, darling, we miss you at the Tahoe house.
Mom's Email
Your sister is here with the kids.
Mom's Email
Still not too late to change your mind!
Nora exits email and opens her voicemail…
Throwing off the covers and jumping out of bed…
When sees a message waiting from Christopher.
Christopher
Nora! Darling, hi, how are you?
Christopher
Wow, it’s been a while.
Christopher
Looks like you’ve been doing great…
Christopher
I saw your post from the park the other day.
Christopher
You look really good.
Nora looks in a mirror at her bed-head and messy sleep shirt.
Christopher
Listen, I’m calling because…
Christopher
I know today would have been our wedding day…
Christopher
And I wanted to see how you’re feeling about everything.
Christopher
I’m back in San Francisco, as planned…
Christopher
And I’m having a welcome home party tomorrow night.
Christopher
If it’s not too weird, I’d love to have you there.
Christopher
I also really want you to meet Manuel.
Nora gapes in sheer horror.
He brought HIM back here!?
Christopher
Check out the Facebook invite, okay?
Nora pulls up Facebook to find the invite.
It features a picture of Christopher and Manuel in front of the Golden Gate Bridge.
She quickly closes Facebook and opens her messages.
She responds to the group text:
Wearing Lululemons and sporting dark circles under her eyes…
Nora emerges from her apartment.
Looking down, she notices a small kitten on her doormat.
She bends down to scratch the kitten’s ears.
Nora
Did somebody abandon you, too?
Suddenly, her next-door neighbor Spencer’s door opens…
And another kitten barrels out.
Hot on its heels, Spencer runs out the door with another kitten under his arm.
Spencer
Quick, don’t let it go down the stairs!
Nora runs to grab the fleeing kitten and catches it.
She brings it back over to Spencer.
Nora
New business venture?
Spencer
I found all these strays in the basement.
Spencer
I’m trying to find them new homes…
Spencer
But the little things keep escaping from my apartment.
Nora
This is a ploy to meet women, isn’t it?
Spencer notices the kitten at Nora’s feet.
Nora
How many of them do you have?
Spencer
I’m not gonna lie…I didn’t even know this one was missing.
Nora
Don’t they teach you how to care for strays in landlord school?
Spencer
Maybe you should keep one.
Spencer
Might make you feel better.
Spencer
I can hear you crying and falling asleep to Sex and The City reruns every night.
Nora
No idea what you’re talking about.
She hands the kitten back to him.
Nora
Besides, I don’t have time for a cat.
Spencer
Too busy learning all the words to Celine Dion’s greatest hits?
Spencer scoops up the last kitten.
Holding all 3, he heads back into his apartment.
Nora and Heather sit at a table with pancakes and mimosas.
Heather
You knew this day was coming.
Nora
He’s throwing a welcome home party…
Nora
The day after we were supposed to get married.
Nora
That’s just insensitive!
Heather
To be fair, you guys had already ordered the caterer and the centerpieces…
Heather
So really, he's just being thrifty.
Nora
I am not ready for this.
Nora
I’m supposed to be a whole new woman when I see him again.
Nora
You know? Lose 10 pounds, change my hair color…
Nora
Have a hot new boyfriend!
Heather
Any guy would be lucky to date you.
Nora
Then why are they so hard to find?
As she looks pleadingly at Heather, images flood Nora’s brain:
All the times she’s sat on the BART train…
Scanning the handsome young men—
Who are all too glued to their smartphones to notice her.
That time she read Shakespeare in the park with coffee…
And smiled at a handsome stranger…
Only to have the moment interrupted—
By a homeless man who started preaching nearby.
Then there was that awkward coffee shop moment…
When she stood in line between 2 good-looking guys.
But just as she turned to talk to one—
He turned to kiss a girl standing next to him.
And when she turned to talk to the other—
He turned to kiss the boy standing next to him.
Nora looks at Heather dejectedly.
Heather
Maybe I know someone I can set you up with.
Heather pulls out her phone and starts scrolling through her Facebook friends.
Late to brunch, Quinn stands outside of the restaurant…
Leaning against a large, attractive man on a chopper motorcycle.
Quinn
Last night was wonderful…
Quinn
But I just don’t see this going anywhere long-term.
Quinn
I don’t know what I was thinking.
Quinn
I just went through a really bad breakup…
Quinn
And I’m clearly not ready—
Man
Hold up. I thought you said you’d been single for 6 years!
Quinn
Marshawn. We had a beautiful night.
Quinn
Let’s not ruin it with any of that relationship crap.
Marshawn
How can you say that after the things we did last night?
Quinn
Look, you have very talented hands—
Marshawn puts on his bike helmet and starts the engine.
Marshawn
Whatever, Quinn. If you change your mind…
Marshawn
You know where to find me.
He slams his visor shut and rides off into the distance.
Quinn hurries inside to join Heather and Nora at their table.
Quinn
I know, I know. I’m 30 minutes late.
Quinn
My date last night ran a little longer than anticipated.
Heather
Last night was like, 12 hours ago.
Nora
Was this bicycle guy?
Nora
How do you meet so many men?!
Quinn
Tinder. Hinge. OkCupid. Bumble.
Quinn
Welcome to your future.
Nora
The last time I went on a date…
Nora
Most people didn’t even have cell phones.
Sitting in her parents’ house…
Clutching a cordless phone…
Excitedly babbling to Heather…
About the guy who invited her to a Destiny’s Child concert…
Looking around the table, Nora realizes how far away from that time she is.
Nora
This is all so confusing.
Nora
Doesn’t anybody meet the old-fashioned way anymore?
Heather scrolls through her phone, half participating in the conversation.
Heather
Of course they do.
At the same time, Quinn speaks:
Heather
But the apps could be fun!
Heather
And getting your groove back might help you feel more confident!
Quinn looks Nora up and down.
Quinn
Wearing something other than sweats in public might also help.
Nora
Hit me when I’m down.
Heather
Don’t worry, Nora.
Heather
I’ve got the perfect guy to set you up with: Garrett.
Quinn
Oh sure, just replace one Ken doll with another.
Nora finds herself sitting across from Garrett in a very hipster bar.
Garrett
We were planning a trip to Mexico together.
Garrett
The company I was working for had just been bought by Google…
Garrett
And I had enough cash to rent a yacht for the trip.
Garrett’s eye twitches at random.
Nora
I didn’t know you were a sailor.
Garrett
I was on the team at Yale.
Nora
Do you tame velociraptors, too?
Nora
You know, from Jurassic—
Garrett
The first week of our trip, everything was perfect.
Garrett
Watching the sunrise every morning…
Garrett
Eating fresh fish we caught that day.
Garrett
On the 7th day, I was planning to propose.
Garrett
I dropped anchor somewhere along the Mexican coast.
Garrett
I had arranged for a helicopter to fly over at dawn…
Garrett
And drop rose petals down onto us.
Garrett rubs his eyes, which turn even pinker.
Garrett
The helicopter was supposed to lower a rope…
Garrett
So we could climb on board.
Garrett
And I was going to propose as we flew over the coast at sunrise.
Garrett’s eye twitches again and he sniffs.
Nora can’t tell if he’s crying.
Garrett
I never got the chance to ask.
Garrett
The propeller got caught in the sails…
Garrett
It’s all still a blur.
Garrett
We jumped into the water, and Janelle—
Garrett buries his face in his hands.
Nora
Janelle didn’t…she didn’t…
When Garrett looks up, his eyes are glassy and red.
Garrett
No. It’s even worse.
Nora
She got chopped by the propeller!?
Garrett
There was a nearby boat of locals.
Garrett
And Janelle left me for a fisherman named Juan.
Nora
Oh my God. That’s such a coincidence.
Garrett
Did your one and only leave you for a fisherman, too?
Nora
It was a Brazilian named Manuel.
Garrett clasps Nora’s hand.
Garrett
This feels like fate.
Garrett
I’m so glad Heather introduced us.
Garrett
Your ex doesn’t know what he is missing.
They gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes.
In the radio booth, Nora resumes her show.
Nora
So, you put on this great front to let the world know you’re fine…
Nora
When really you cry yourself to sleep at night…
Nora
And snuggle with empty wine bottles.
Nora
If everyone believes you’re doing great—
Nora
Maybe that means you ARE doing great.
Nora
How can you tell the difference between reality…
Nora
And the facade we put online?
Nora
This next song is all about what happens on the inside…
Nora
When you go through a breakup.
Nora
Janis Joplin’s 1968 cover of “Piece of My Heart.”
Nora
No matter how hard you try to fake it, listeners…
Nora
Reality always slaps you in the face.
The day after her date with Garrett…
Nora is a whole new woman—
She’s styled her hair, done her makeup, and put on a pair of high heels.
She looks beautiful and polished.
She pours coffee into a tumbler…
While humming Hall & Oates “You Make My Dreams Come True.”
She opens her door to once again find an adorable kitten staring up at her.
She reaches down and gently scratches its ears.
The kitten purrs and nuzzles her.
Nora goes back inside and returns with a piece of cheese, which the kitten starts licking.
Spencer comes out of his door.
Nora flings the cheese behind her and straightens.
Spencer
Again!? How do they do it?
Nora
Remind me to never trust you with my valuables.
Spencer nods toward the cat.
Spencer
I see you two are becoming friends now.
Nora
What? Nooooo. No no…
Nora
I was just trying to leave and this little beast got in my way.
Spencer looks Nora up and down.
Spencer
You have a job interview today?
Spencer
What’s with the heels?
Nora
Actually, I have a date later.
Spencer
With your Netflix account?
Nora
Jealousy is unbecoming on you.
Nora scoops up the kitten and hands it back to him as she walks away.
She’s heading to the mall to meet Heather and Quinn.
There, they comb through racks of dresses.
Nora
He was on the sailing team at YALE.
Nora
And he loves Monty Python, and — get this—
Nora
He cuts the crust off his toast, too!
Heather
Aww, I’m so happy for you, Nora!
Nora
Perfect and romantic.
Nora’s mind flashes back to an image of the night before:
She and Garrett cuddled on the couch, watching Titanic…
Holding each other, sobbing, with a pint of ice cream and a box of tissues between them.
Quinn
Wow, this guy sounds a lot like this other guy you were dating…
Just then, Heather’s boyfriend, Dean, walks up to the group…
Carrying shopping bags from Bed Bath & Beyond.
As he and Heather start arguing about Dean’s recent purchases…
Quinn
See what you’re avoiding with your newfound freedom?
Quinn
I wouldn’t be so quick to move in with Ken doll 2.0.
Nora
Garrett is helping me get through this breakup…
Nora
And Lord knows I need all the help I can get.
Nora
Plus, I can’t wait to see the look on Christopher’s face…
Nora
When he sees me with someone new.
At Christopher’s welcome home party…
Heather and Quinn stand together at a table.
Quinn
How did she even convince this guy to show up?
Quinn
If some guy tried to take me to party where his ex would be…
Quinn
I’d run for the hills.
Heather
Thank God Garrett is more understanding than you are.
Dean approaches with drinks.
Dean
You’ll never believe who I ran into in the bathroom line.
Before he can explain, Nora and Garrett enter holding hands.
Heather
Nora and Garrett look so cute together!
Dean
I don’t remember his hair being so voluminous.
Quinn
Yeah, this guy just keeps reminding me of someone…
Quinn
Oh, right. The guy whose party we’re at.
Heather
Who’d you run into in the bathroom, babe?
Nora and Garrett are at the bar ordering drinks.
Nora
Thanks for coming with me tonight.
Nora
I know you didn’t have to, and it means a lot to me.
Garrett
It feels good to be part of a couple again.
Garrett
I’ve been so lonely…
Garrett
And you’re really helping me through.
Nora
You’re the one helping me.
Garrett leans in for a kiss.
He lands a close-mouthed, almost familial kiss on her lips.
Nora
You know what, maybe we shouldn’t have come here.
Nora
I don’t need to prove anything to Christopher.
Nora
What do you say we get out of here?
Garrett
Your wish is my command, milady.
They turn to leave, holding hands.
Right before they reach the door…
Garrett stops dead in his tracks.
Nora
Ex-girlfriend Janelle?
Garrett
Hey Nora, can we pause for a moment.
Garrett
I just want to say hello.
Nora
But you said you never wanted to speak to her again…
Garrett
This will only take a minute.
Garrett leaves Nora and joins an extremely pretty woman.
Nora, Heather, and Quinn sit at an appetizer table.
Heather
Where’s Garrett? He’s been gone kind of a while.
Nora
He’s still talking to Janelle.
Quinn
In the supply closet.
Heather
Do you think they’re…you know?
Nora
I can’t believe this.
Nora
I really thought Garrett was over Janelle.
Just then, Christopher and Manuel approach the table.
Christopher
Nora, babe, I’m so glad you came!
Christopher
Heather, Quinn, hello.
Christopher
I want you to meet Manuel.
Manuel kisses Nora on both cheeks.
Manuel
I’m so excited to finally meet you, Nora.
Manuel
I can’t thank you enough…
Manuel
For turning Christopher into this wonderful hunk of a man!
Nora
That’s me! Just getting them primed for their next great relationship.
Christopher
Do I get to meet your date?
Christopher
I heard you were here with a real stud.
Nora
Yes. Garrett. I think you two will really get along.
Christopher
It is SO good to see you doing well.
Christopher
I don’t want things to be weird between us.
Nora
No way. I’m like, super happy with my new beau.
Nora
Things couldn’t be better.
Just then, a commotion sounds from the center of the room.
Nora and the group turn to see Garrett and Janelle…
Holding hands and grinning.
They both look a little disheveled.
Garrett
Everyone! I have an announcement.
Garrett
I know this isn’t my party, but what can I say?
Garrett
This woman makes me so happy…
Garrett
I want to shout it from the rooftops!
Garrett doesn’t hear her.
Manuel
Is that him? He IS a stud.
Garrett
I thought I had lost the love of my life…
Garrett
But fate brought us back together tonight…
Garrett
And SHE SAID YES!
Janelle holds up her ring finger—
Displaying a shabby paper ring made out of napkins.
They kiss sensually, and everyone claps.
Quinn
Well, this is awkward.
Garrett
Nora! I can’t thank you enough for bringing me here tonight.
Garrett
You changed my life!
He kisses her on the cheek and runs off.
Heather
You’re uninvited to my housewarming party!
Christopher
That was your new boyfriend?
Heather
Well, not exactly…
Christopher
I don’t understand why you would tell me you had a boyfriend if you didn’t.
Nora
Clearly, he wasn’t my boyfriend!
The crowd begins to turn its attention to the commotion.
Nora
Don’t you get it, Christopher?
Nora
I’m trying to not feel like a complete moron…
Nora
While you parade around like nothing is wrong…
Nora
The day after we were supposed to get married.
Christopher
Nora, I thought we talked about this.
Nora
You lied and cheated with a GUY.
Nora
That’s not exactly something you get over…
Nora
With a pint of ice cream and good cry.
Christopher
It wasn’t a very easy time in my life, Nora.
Nora
Oh, it wasn’t EASY for YOU?!
Christopher
Well…you didn’t exactly give me an opportunity to tell you the truth.
Christopher
You were so preoccupied with the wedding—
Nora
Yes, I was preoccupied…
Nora
You ran off to Brazil and left me to plan our big, stupid wedding all by myself!
Nora
Although maybe you would have been more helpful…
Nora
If I had asked your opinion about the meat entrées!
Nora picks up a piece of salami and hurls it at Christopher.
Nora throws another piece of meat.
Quinn catches it, and takes the plate from Nora.
Nora
I gave you 10 years of my life.
Nora
You’re the only man I’ve ever had sex with…
Nora
And then you start playing for the other team!?
Nora
Do you know what that does to a girl’s self-esteem?!
Manuel
If it’s any consolation, you trained him well.
Nora throws a tray of cheese at Christopher and Manuel.
Then she grabs a bottle of champagne, and storms out.
Heather and Quinn each grab their own bottle and run after her.
Dean, holding 3 drinks, follows them out.
Nora, Quinn, Heather, and Dean sit on the floor of Nora’s apartment…
Each clutching their own champagne bottle from the party.
Nora
The meat throw might have been a little extreme…
Nora
But I have no regrets.
Heather
Sometimes you’ve gotta let it out.
Dean
I’m proud of you, Nora.
Quinn
Excellent follow-through on that charcuterie throw.
Dean
He deserved it. It was unacceptable to dick you around.
Quinn
Especially when it involved other d— well…you know.
Heather
I still can’t believe Garrett got back together with Janelle!
Dean
I unfriended him on Facebook.
Nora
You know, being single doesn’t sound as bad as it did 24 hours ago.
Quinn
Does your neighbor still have that projector?
3 kittens running around on the floor can only mean one thing:
Spencer has now joined the group.
Everyone’s gaze is directed at the online dating app that is projected onto Nora’s wall.
Heather writes out the rules for a drinking game.
Quinn
We drink every time a guy mentions his height in his profile, yes?
Quinn
It’s code for “trying to get laid.”
Nora
What the hell kind of app is this?
Spencer
Double drinks if he has a photo with a tiger!
Heather
Or a photo with a celebrity!
Dean
How do you even know how this app works?
Quinn pulls up Nora’s profile, which shows several attractive photos of Nora and a bio reading:
“Have been professionally referred to as a love expert, want to find out how?”
Nora
I’m still not sure about the bio.
Nora
Are men going to get it?
Spencer
I think it is fairly obvious.
Heather
She’s looking for a boyfriend, not a one-night stand.
Quinn
You have to lure them in somehow.
Heather
What does yours say?
Quinn
“I don’t do breakfast.”
Dean
Who doesn’t do breakfast? I love breakfast.
Nora
Let’s get to the swiping!
Nora
I’m ready to find my dream man.
An hour later, the mood has gotten rowdier as the collection of empty beer bottles has grown.
Everyone stares at the screen, rapt, as Heather swipes through profiles.
Every time they see one that fits the bill, they all cheers and drink.
A good-looking guy pops up, but Heather swipes left.
Quinn
Why did you swipe left on him? He was smoking hot.
Heather
He put a gym selfie as his first photo.
Heather
He’s only looking for sex.
Dean
How do you know that?
Dean
You’ve never even used this app, Heather.
Nora
Speaking from experience?
Nora
You don’t even go to the gym.
Another guy comes across the screen.
Heather
Dante: “If you’re looking for something casual, swipe left.”
Heather
Wow, that’s a really nice mansion. Do you think he lives there?
Heather swipes right, and it’s a match.
Heather
Yes! Nora, you’re getting so many matches.
Heather
This is so much fun.
Almost immediately, Nora gets a message from Dante:
Nora quickly sends a reply:
Nora
Hey yourself, gorgeous.
Quinn
Next week, we’ll work on your messaging skills.
Nora and Spencer sit on Nora’s floor in sweatpants…
Surrounded by 3 kittens, and a lot of empty beer bottles.
They serenade the kittens with a guitar and a ukulele.
Nora
I got 142 matches last night!
Spencer
Look at you, already cleaning up as a single woman.
Spencer
I never had any doubts.
Nora
So, what happens now?
Nora
We begin the courtship over messaging…
Nora
And then meet for coffee after an appropriate amount of time?
Spencer
Um. Yeah…you know, everyone has their own approach to these apps.
Nora
I think I’m going to really enjoy being single.
Spencer
You know what goes really well with being single?
Spencer gestures towards the kittens lounging nearby.
Nora
I will NOT be the neighborhood cat lady.
Spencer
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Nora lays in bed, curled up…
She snaps a selfie of the two of them and posts it on Instagram.
Nora continues with her radio show.
Nora
Instead of trying to forget your ex…
Nora
It feels like we are inundated with ways to replace them.
Nora
You grow up believing in fate…
Nora
But now you’re supposed to find love from a picture on a phone screen.
As she speaks, Nora’s mind wanders to her friends.
Nora
Is moving on impossible these days?
Nora
Or easier than it’s ever been?
Nora
There’s no guidebook to this strange new world.
Nora
So how does anybody find real love anymore?
She enviously thinks of Heather and Dean…
Sitting on their couch, drinking coffee.
Nora
Are we even looking?
Nora
Or are we all just swiping for the next best thing?
Her thought calls to mind an image of Quinn…
Sneaking out of a new man’s apartment.
Nora
This song is dedicated to myself…
Nora
And everybody out there on the quest to find “The One.”
Nora
We’re going to end today’s show…
Nora
With my girl Meghan Trainor’s:
Nora
“Dear Future Husband.”
