Help Desk
Hello, this Heaven. How can I help you, sir?
Help Desk
We just got your message, but the contents were jumbled. Could you repeat your request?
Jonah
I didn't text you...
Help Desk
Your PRARYER. Are you not Jonah Billet, frantically praying at this very moment?
Jonah
uh well, yes i am. i wasn't expecting a text message
Jonah
honestly, i wasn't even expecting divine intervention...
Help Desk
We're trying out a new prayer distribution software. There was a glitch and we need to handle yours manually.
Help Desk
So, what do you need, sir?
Jonah
Well english 280 starts in 8 minutes, the library's last printer has decided to stop functioning, and the librarian is “too busy” to fix it
Jonah
ms. randal is just making me suffer for not getting it done sooner...
Jonah
if i don't get my paper printed in time, i'll flunk the class and lose my scholarship
Help Desk
Alright. For technology problems, I'll forward you to our IT department.
Jonah
heaven has an IT department?
Jonah
thank you so much. i'm losing my shit over here
Help Desk
Please don't swear at the angels, sir.
Jonah
um, sorry...uh...ma'am?
Help Desk
We're angels. We're sexless. Have a good day.
IT Dept.
hello this is the IT department, what the hell do you want?
Jonah
uh, is this still heaven?
IT Dept.
this is the Divine IT Department. what do you need?
Jonah
where are you located? is heaven outsourcing its call centers?
IT Dept.
no, my idea of heaven really is handling IT problems for all eternity...what do you think!?
Jonah
okay. sorry. well, if you can help, my class starts in like 7 minutes and I can't get my paper
IT Dept.
do you need me to uncorrupt a file or what?
Jonah
no, the printer isn't working
IT Dept.
this is a PRINTER problem? christ, let me transfer you to my superior
Jonah
you can't just bless the printer and make it work?
IT Dept.
i'm not an angel, kid. i'm contracted from hell
Jonah
then can't you at least negotiate with it, demon to demon?
IT Dept.
hang on, i'm connecting you to the appropriate saint
Saint Jude
Hello! Jude here. How can I be of service?
Jonah
jude? as in saint jude?
Jonah
the patron saint of hopeless cases?!
Saint Jude
That's me! What hopeless disaster I can help you with?
Jonah
i'm just having printer problems!
Saint Jude
Ooo, those are nasty. Let me see what I can do
Saint Jude
Try sending the print job now
Saint Jude
Whoops! Darn default settings
Jonah
ms. randall is giving me that look like I'm using too much paper...
Saint Jude
Has it stopped printing yet?
Saint Jude
Oh no, that's not right.
Jonah
put the fire out!!!
Saint Jude
Dump your water bottle on it!
Jonah
i can't, it's an electrical fire!
Saint Jude
No, no, I blessed it, it'll be holy water
Jonah
it exploded. turns out holy water is still water
Jonah
it kind of melted the printer though...
Saint Jude
It melted the evil. the printer is now free of evil
Jonah
but it's MELTED. everyone is staring...
Jonah
oh shoot, ms. randall's coming now and she looks PISSED
Saint Jude
Don't worry, I've got this
Jonah
oh my god, what's WRONG with her?
Saint Jude
She's speaking in tongues
Jonah
it looks like she's having a seizure
Saint Jude
It's just Divine Revelation
Jonah
no, she just collapsed on the floor. definitely a seizure
Saint Jude
Well, we'll just forward her to the Trials of Faith Department
Saint Jude
Also, the printer should work now
Jonah
...it's reciting my essay...verbally
Saint Jude
You probably need to put more paper in
Saint Jude
...since the electrical fire burned up all the paper that was in it
Jonah
how am i supposed to do that? the paper tray is melted shut
Saint Jude
I've got an idea
Jonah
oh man, the nurse just showed up to help ms. randall. she doesn't look good
Saint Jude
Don't worry, she'll come out of this with her faith renewed
Jonah
you're sure she's not going to die or anything?
Saint Jude
I hope not. She's not currently slated for entry up here
Jonah
as one of her students, that's not really surprising...
Saint Jude
They'll get it all worked out. Get some paper and pretend like you're going to put it in the printer
Jonah
why is it eating the paper and barking at me?
Jonah
it just unplugged itself and is wagging it's cord
Jonah
well randall is still seizuring, but everyone's more freaked out by the BOLT OF LIGHTNING that just struck a possessed printer IN THE LIBRARY
Jonah
this isn't working AT ALL
Saint Jude
I'm sorry. Printers are hard. Even for saints
Saint Jude
Do you want to talk to Him?
Jonah
Ummm, i'm SURE he's got better things to do
Saint Jude
It's no problem. You seem like a nice kid, and I think my trying to help just made everything even worse. I'll put you on the line with the big guy
Jonah
thanks, jude. you're a godsend. literally, i guess
Jonah
hi. wow. thanks for talking to me
Jonah
i'm having a problem with part of your divine creation that is supposed to print my essay
God
GO TO CAROLYN RANDALL AND HOLD HER HEAD. APPLY PRESSURE TO BOTH OF HER TEMPLES.
Jonah
how will that help anything? the nurse is here already treating her
Jonah
ok man, i'll have faith with this one...
Jonah
she's fine! i did it and she came to!
Jonah
she's says i just saved her life!
Jonah
she's going to print my essay for me and escort me to class so the prof doesn't mark me down!
Jonah
ok, well, thanks for all the help :)
God
YOU'RE WELCOME, JONAH.
God
A WORD OF ADVICE THOUGH:
God
INDENT YOUR CITATIONS BEFORE YOU TURN YOUR PAPER IN.
