Unknown
Hey, you’re pretty brave putting your phone number on your dating profile.
Leah stares at her phone.
Unknown
It seems like you’re bright on your profile.
Unknown
I mean, you used the Oxford comma, so how stupid could you be?
Leah
That remains to be seen. What’s your name?
Unknown
I’m afraid you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.
Leah
Why? Is it something creepy, like Lester?
Leah
Ok. I promise. Maybe.
Remington
Hey, you promised!
Remington
Besides, all my friends call me Rem.
Leah
Well, that’s better.
Leah
But to be fair, I didn’t promise. I said maybe.
Leah
Is that really your name, or have you been reading too many romance novels?
Rem
I think my mother may have been reading them thirty years ago 😂
Rem
You know, if you wanted to exchange profiles like normal people, this might be easier.
Rem
You could just right swipe, you know…
Leah
I’m not normal people.
Leah
I think judging someone based on a picture is superficial.
Rem
So let’s get to know each other for real then.
Rem
My name is Remington and I’m 31. And you?
Rem
So you’re at your sexual prime, then.
Leah
Oh no. Please don’t be one of those guys.
Leah
The kind of guy who jumps right into sex talk.
Rem
Hey — I have the same name as a romance hero…
Rem
So I think it’s sort of expected that I make you swoon, haha
Leah
Haha, fair. But it doesn’t mean I’m not going to call you on it 😉
Leah
What do you look like, Remington?
Rem
I’m 6’2 with brown hair and hazel eyes.
Rem
Because you have confidence—
Rem
You knew that men would follow the instructions in your photo-less profile.
Leah
Maybe you’re just desperate 😉
Leah
You’re talking to a woman who refuses to post a picture on her profile…
Leah
I’m pretty sure you’re desperate 😛
Rem
Maybe I’m just not superficial.
Rem
Fine. In my mind right now, you’re a one-eyed troll.
Rem
See? I’m still talking to you.
Leah
I can live with being a one-eyed troll 👹
Rem
Tell me, Ms. One-Eyed-Troll, what do you do for fun?
Leah
I’m a fifth-grade teacher. I grade papers.
Rem
Do you do it in a plaid skirt, glasses and pig-tails?
Leah
I think you got “teacher” and “Catholic schoolgirl fantasy” mixed up.
Leah
But to go back to your question, I also like to skydive.
Rem
A teacher who skydives. I LIKE IT.
Leah
I also like sex. I have a very healthy sexual appetite.
Rem
Oh, God. Don’t be one of those girls.
Rem
The kind who only want sex 😂
Leah
I just thought it was only fair to warn you.
Leah
I like sex. I’m very comfortable saying what I want, and what I need.
Leah
Does that intimidate you?
Rem
Hell, no. It turns me on.
Leah hears herself breathing as she stares at her phone.
She jumps when, three minutes later, it buzzes with an incoming message.
Rem
Are you waiting for a dick pic, Ms. One-Eyed-Troll???
Leah
Haha, not after a few minutes of talking to each other!
Leah
But there may be a request for that in the future.
Rem
Tease, jk. I’m actually really intrigued by you…
Rem
Tell me something else about yourself.
Leah
I’m divorced. About 6 months ago.
Leah
Does that scare you?
Leah
Got any other questions?
Rem
Are you a psychopath or a killer?
Rem
Good. I’m really starting to like you.
Leah
Do you usually fall for psychopaths?
Leah
Do you masturbate every day?
Rem
My god, woman! You are direct.
Rem
Not every day, but most of them.
Rem
I mean, I just do it in the shower. I’m not some perv.
Leah
Masturbating doesn’t make you a perv 🤷♀️
Rem
Hmm. Is it my turn to ask a question?
Rem
Your profile says you are 5’9 and you’re a non-smoker…
Rem
And that you’re seeking someone 6’ or taller, a non-smoker.
Rem
Is that all you want? A tall non-smoker?
Leah
Haha, no. I’m actually very picky. That’s just where I wanted to start.
Leah
How many women have you been with?
Rem
That’s pretty personal…
Rem
I don’t have any STDs, if that’s what you’re wondering.
Leah
I’m wondering about your experience level. See, I have a condition.
Leah
Haha, no. I’m…don’t laugh.
Rem
You’re messing with me.
Leah
I am not! I’m a 30-year old virgin.
Rem
How is that possible??
Leah
Well, I’m either an ugly one-eyed troll…
Leah
Or I was raised in a strict household and went to a Catholic school…
Leah
And then have been very picky about who to lose my V-card to.
Rem
But you were married!
Leah
Yeah. But that was to a friend who needed a green-card.
Leah
I’m ready to lose my virginity now. It’s time.
Rem
Um. Why would you choose a dating app to do this?
Leah
I told you. I hate superficial people—
Leah
So I didn’t want someone to agree to this plan based on my appearance.
Leah
I want someone to get to know me for me.
Leah
But I also want someone experienced enough to make my first time really good.
Rem
I’m not sure whether to believe you or not.
Rem
You said you were very comfortable with your sexuality—
Rem
Hell, you even said that you like SEX.
Rem
How can that be true if you haven’t even tried it yet?
Leah
I know how to pleasure myself… 🙄
Rem
So your fingers are getting tired.
Rem
God, are you hinting for a dick pic again?
Leah
Is it too much for you?
Rem
Nothing is ever too much for me.
Leah
You’re pretty confident.
Rem
I have skills to back that confidence up.
Rem
Oh I will. All in due time…
