The $400
by Prabha Kannan
Mom! Real quick question.
Can you transfer $400 to my bank account?
Ok thanks! xoxo to you and daddy!!
Whoa! What do you need $400 for?
What’s wrong? Are you hurt?
No, mom, I’m just fine! Just please send me the money now. I need it fast.
Okay, now you’re scaring me.
MOM!! Quit it! I’m just fine. I just need this money now. I’ll tell you later what’s going on.
Sweetheart, if you’re in jail or something, just please tell me.
They take your phone away from you in jail
Then how did you get one? Did you have to have...relations with someone?
Relations?! Mom, I am not in jail!
Then why do you need $400? OMG is this ransom money? Have you been kidnapped?
What kind of kidnapper only asks for $400?!
I’m getting your father. We’ll get you out of there Gracie!!
Has he got you in a basement somewhere? Just text 1 for yes and 2 for no. That’ll be our secret code.
Geez, mom. How much Law & Order SVU have you been watching since I left for college?
We’ll come the second Dad’s golf game is done.
Super. Thanks.
It’s nice to know my parents will literally wait for a golf game to finish before rescuing their kidnapped daughter.
So you have been kidnapped! Dale, we have to go now!!
Are you comfortable? Is it damp in the basement? Is he giving you any food to eat?
Oh fer chrissakes, mom!! I HAVE NOT BEEN KIDNAPPED!!
What’s this your mom’s saying about you needing $400?
Shit, now both of you?!
Watch your language, young lady!
I just need $400! Can you guys cut me some slack?
Are you pregnant? Did that loser Jake knock you up?
My god, Gracie! I told you to be careful!
I can’t watch what you’re doing everyday in college. Didn’t we talk about protection?
Didn’t I take you down to the gynecologist in high school to put you on the pill?
YOU WHAT?!
She’s been on birth control since high school? Why on earth would you do that??
Either that or she gets pregnant!
Just do what I did and tell her to keep her legs closed!
Some good that did considering she’s pregnant now!
I’m not pregnant!! I just need $400!
You’re being so mysterious honey. What do you need $400 for?
I can’t tell you now, but it’ll be clear really soon.
Is it for some cosmetic procedure? Because I was just kidding when I made that comment about your nose being too big.
And you’re not in trouble?
Of course she’s in trouble! What 20 year old asks for $400 unless they’re in trouble?
Okay, fine. I got kidnapped. I need $400 or else this guy is going to break my knees.
I knew it! See, Dale? I told you Gracie was kidnapped.
I won’t give him the money.
What?
What?
Dad! He needs $400 or else my knees will be broken! It’s just $400!
I will not negotiate with terrorists!
Dad, please, come on! Just transfer the money to my bank account and he’ll leave me alone.
How do I know he won’t ask for more?
You aren’t willing to pay more?
I paid thousands for those knees to take ballet lessons, and what have you done with that, huh?
Dad! Now isn’t the time!
I will not give in! Who’s to say when he will stop asking for money?
Seriously? It’s $400 in exchange for the safe return of your daughter!
I will not give in.
Fine, I will tell him, and he’ll be pissed. I hope it’s ONLY my knees he’s planning on breaking…
He’s got this crazed look in his eyes!
Dale!! We have to go help her!
Fine, fine! I will give him the $400, but if he wants the money, he has to meet me himself.
Dad, he looks even angrier...
Dad!! I don’t know what this guy is capable of, but he’s screaming now!!
You tell him he can scream at me when I see him in two hours.
Dale, are you sure this is a good idea? Shouldn't we just do what he wants?
Dad, I'm scared. Are you driving up now with the money?
We’re in the car now! We will figure out a drop location and get back to you.
Drop location?!
I really love these cop shows.
Okay, the guy said he’ll meet you. Where?
Tell him to meet me at the corner of 8th and Oaktree
That's a terrible neighborhood!
That's where things like this go down
My parents are officially insane.
Okay, I'm walking to the corner of the intersection.
I'm next to the trash can. I think I see him! Guy with gray hoodie?
Probably. Short-ish? Kind of pigeon toed?
Yes! Wow, he’s smaller than I thought. I’m just gonna go up and hit him.
Dad, are you trying to get yourself killed?!
There’s no way he can beat me. The guy is tiny.
Oh Grace this guy is a little elf. Your dad can take 10 of him.
What if he has a gun???
Your dad could wrestle it away from him, he's the size of a child.
Yeah, and he's trying to look tough, but he just looks moronic. Hah! I'm gonna have fun messing with Tom Thumb.
Good one, Dale! You get this Lilliputian!
He's not that small! And what he lacks in size he makes up for in personality!
Why are you defending him?!
He kidnapped you!
Wait, he just said “Give me the money, Mr. Gallagher.” Like he knew me.
I'm gonna run after him.
Don't dad! He'll kill you!
I can crush him with one finger.
3 minutes later
I got him!
It's that loser Jake!
What's going on here Grace!
Just let him go, dad.
You'd better explain yourself! Right now!
Um...surprise?
Surprise? I'm surprised I have such a crazy daughter.
I just needed money for mom's bday present. Mother daughter spa day!
Where's Jake?
Dad called the cops.
What?! You can’t arrest Jake. I love him!
This is turning out to be a pretty great birthday present after all.
Felony kidnapping charges alone will send him away for years.
You can't!
But I just did.
Happy birthday to me!
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