Thing
Thing
Wake up!
Allen
Allen
What the hell, it’s 3AM.
Thing
Thing
You were having a bad dream.
Allen
Allen
I know. I was there.
Thing
Thing
It was really hurting my stomach.
Allen
Allen
What? That doesn’t make any sense.
Allen
Allen
Who is this? If this is a prank from Jimmy I’m not amused.
Thing
Thing
I don’t know what a Jimmy is but I can assure you I am not that.
Thing
Thing
I’m The Thing.
Allen
Allen
?
Thing
Thing
The Thing That Lives Underneath Your Bed.
Allen
Allen
If that’s true, tap on the bed frame twice.
Allen
Allen
I knew it! I knew you were real!
Allen
Allen
You know my parents still laugh at me for using a nightlight.
Thing
Thing
There’s really no need for that thing. It’s actually really irritatingly bright.
Allen
Allen
It’s the brightest kind there is.
Thing
Thing
I can tell. I don’t know how you sleep.
Thing
Thing
If you could turn that off it would be great, then I could sleep better too.
Allen
Allen
No way, not going to happen.
Thing
Thing
Alright, we’ll save that for another night. But that’s not why I am texting you.
Allen
Allen
How are you texting me? Where did you get a phone?
Thing
Thing
You left one here a couple of weeks ago. I assumed it was for me so that I could talk with you.
Thing
Thing
Although you could have made it a lot easier to unlock.
Allen
Allen
That wasn’t meant for you! It fell off of my bed. My parents forced me to pay the replacement fee.
Thing
Thing
Sorry. If I had money I’d reimburse you but all that’s down here are random clothes and a tennis racket.
Thing
Thing
(But no ball sadly) :(
Thing
Thing
Anyway, I’m texting you because your bad dreams are making me sick and slimy.
Thing
Thing
It’s causing me to break out with bad acne and is giving my skin ugly boils.
Allen
Allen
How can I have good dreams when you are down there tormenting me?
Thing
Thing
I’m not tormenting you.
Allen
Allen
What about all those gurgley slimy sounds?
Thing
Thing
The bad dreams give me terrible indigestion.
Allen
Allen
And the crunching sounds?
Thing
Thing
All the bugs that live down here. I keep stepping on them.
Thing
Thing
It’s actually really messy down here, like you haven’t cleaned for years. I’d hate to see the rest of your room.
Allen
Allen
THERE ARE BUGS?
Thing
Thing
Yeah ants, centipedes, spiders.
Allen
Allen
WHAT THERE ARE SPIDERS UNDER MY BED?!?!
Thing
Thing
A huge nest.
Allen
Allen
OMG GET THEM AWAY.
Thing
Thing
Don’t worry. I squish them before they can escape.
Thing
Thing
I know most of your dreams involve spiders and me which, by the way, I don’t have thousands of tentacles and I certainly don’t eat human beings.
Thing
Thing
But if I did have a thousand tentacles it would be a lot easier to prevent the bugs from escaping.
Allen
Allen
You actually stop them from reaching me?
Thing
Thing
Yes! I can’t afford to have you fall asleep scared. Any more bad dreams and I’ll probably die.
Allen
Allen
How do I know you’re not just saying this to lure me into a false sense of security?
Thing
Thing
There’s nothing for me to gain by scaring you.
Allen
Allen
I’ve read Calvin and Hobbes. I know what terrible creatures you guys are.
Thing
Thing
I swear to you that’s not how we are. That comic is very misleading and very mischaracterizing.
Allen
Allen
Sureee then I take one step out of bed and you’ll pull me under and rip me to shreds.
Thing
Thing
Look. I’m like a Dream Catcher of sorts. I live off of dreams.
Thing
Thing
I don’t eat meat or even humans to be quite honest.
Thing
Thing
Though I do like the concept of ice cream. I wouldn’t mind trying it one day.
Allen
Allen
Okay, so assuming you do live off of dreams, what am I supposed to do about it?
Thing
Thing
Stop having bad ones. If you have good dreams then I will feel better.
Thing
Thing
No more slime, no more boils. Maybe I’ll even lose some weight!
Thing
Thing
I promise you there is nothing to fear.
Thing
Thing
Except maybe my cousin, the Thing That Lives Inside Your Closet.
Allen
Allen
WHAT!?!
Thing
Thing
Kidding, kidding. Bad joke. I promise.
Thing
Thing
But seriously, if you keep having bad dreams I will probably die.
Allen
Allen
I don’t know if I can force myself to have good dreams.
Thing
Thing
Think of it this way: I’m not some evil creature living under your bed.
Thing
Thing
AND - I’m protecting you from the spiders and other bugs.
Thing
Thing
As long as I am around the things you fear most won’t harm you.
Allen
Allen
I guess. But I still don’t trust you.
Thing
Thing
That’s alright, just believe me.
Allen
Allen
Okay, but can I sleep now? I have to wake up in a couple of hours.
Thing
Thing
Alright, fine. We can talk about this again later.
Thing
Thing
Sweet dreams. :)
Thing
Thing