Allen
What the hell, it’s 3AM.
Thing
You were having a bad dream.
Allen
I know. I was there.
Thing
It was really hurting my stomach.
Allen
What? That doesn’t make any sense.
Allen
Who is this? If this is a prank from Jimmy I’m not amused.
Thing
I don’t know what a Jimmy is but I can assure you I am not that.
Thing
The Thing That Lives Underneath Your Bed.
Allen
If that’s true, tap on the bed frame twice.
Allen
I knew it! I knew you were real!
Allen
You know my parents still laugh at me for using a nightlight.
Thing
There’s really no need for that thing. It’s actually really irritatingly bright.
Allen
It’s the brightest kind there is.
Thing
I can tell. I don’t know how you sleep.
Thing
If you could turn that off it would be great, then I could sleep better too.
Allen
No way, not going to happen.
Thing
Alright, we’ll save that for another night. But that’s not why I am texting you.
Allen
How are you texting me? Where did you get a phone?
Thing
You left one here a couple of weeks ago. I assumed it was for me so that I could talk with you.
Thing
Although you could have made it a lot easier to unlock.
Allen
That wasn’t meant for you! It fell off of my bed. My parents forced me to pay the replacement fee.
Thing
Sorry. If I had money I’d reimburse you but all that’s down here are random clothes and a tennis racket.
Thing
(But no ball sadly) :(
Thing
Anyway, I’m texting you because your bad dreams are making me sick and slimy.
Thing
It’s causing me to break out with bad acne and is giving my skin ugly boils.
Allen
How can I have good dreams when you are down there tormenting me?
Thing
I’m not tormenting you.
Allen
What about all those gurgley slimy sounds?
Thing
The bad dreams give me terrible indigestion.
Allen
And the crunching sounds?
Thing
All the bugs that live down here. I keep stepping on them.
Thing
It’s actually really messy down here, like you haven’t cleaned for years. I’d hate to see the rest of your room.
Thing
Yeah ants, centipedes, spiders.
Allen
WHAT THERE ARE SPIDERS UNDER MY BED?!?!
Thing
Don’t worry. I squish them before they can escape.
Thing
I know most of your dreams involve spiders and me which, by the way, I don’t have thousands of tentacles and I certainly don’t eat human beings.
Thing
But if I did have a thousand tentacles it would be a lot easier to prevent the bugs from escaping.
Allen
You actually stop them from reaching me?
Thing
Yes! I can’t afford to have you fall asleep scared. Any more bad dreams and I’ll probably die.
Allen
How do I know you’re not just saying this to lure me into a false sense of security?
Thing
There’s nothing for me to gain by scaring you.
Allen
I’ve read Calvin and Hobbes. I know what terrible creatures you guys are.
Thing
I swear to you that’s not how we are. That comic is very misleading and very mischaracterizing.
Allen
Sureee then I take one step out of bed and you’ll pull me under and rip me to shreds.
Thing
Look. I’m like a Dream Catcher of sorts. I live off of dreams.
Thing
I don’t eat meat or even humans to be quite honest.
Thing
Though I do like the concept of ice cream. I wouldn’t mind trying it one day.
Allen
Okay, so assuming you do live off of dreams, what am I supposed to do about it?
Thing
Stop having bad ones. If you have good dreams then I will feel better.
Thing
No more slime, no more boils. Maybe I’ll even lose some weight!
Thing
I promise you there is nothing to fear.
Thing
Except maybe my cousin, the Thing That Lives Inside Your Closet.
Thing
Kidding, kidding. Bad joke. I promise.
Thing
But seriously, if you keep having bad dreams I will probably die.
Allen
I don’t know if I can force myself to have good dreams.
Thing
Think of it this way: I’m not some evil creature living under your bed.
Thing
AND - I’m protecting you from the spiders and other bugs.
Thing
As long as I am around the things you fear most won’t harm you.
Allen
I guess. But I still don’t trust you.
Thing
That’s alright, just believe me.
Allen
Okay, but can I sleep now? I have to wake up in a couple of hours.
Thing
Alright, fine. We can talk about this again later.
