The Thing
by Brandon Madden
Wake up!
What the hell, it’s 3AM.
You were having a bad dream.
I know. I was there.
It was really hurting my stomach.
What? That doesn’t make any sense.
Who is this? If this is a prank from Jimmy I’m not amused.
I don’t know what a Jimmy is but I can assure you I am not that.
I’m The Thing.
?
The Thing That Lives Underneath Your Bed.
If that’s true, tap on the bed frame twice.
I knew it! I knew you were real!
You know my parents still laugh at me for using a nightlight.
There’s really no need for that thing. It’s actually really irritatingly bright.
It’s the brightest kind there is.
I can tell. I don’t know how you sleep.
If you could turn that off it would be great, then I could sleep better too.
No way, not going to happen.
Alright, we’ll save that for another night. But that’s not why I am texting you.
How are you texting me? Where did you get a phone?
You left one here a couple of weeks ago. I assumed it was for me so that I could talk with you.
Although you could have made it a lot easier to unlock.
That wasn’t meant for you! It fell off of my bed. My parents forced me to pay the replacement fee.
Sorry. If I had money I’d reimburse you but all that’s down here are random clothes and a tennis racket.
(But no ball sadly) :(
Anyway, I’m texting you because your bad dreams are making me sick and slimy.
It’s causing me to break out with bad acne and is giving my skin ugly boils.
How can I have good dreams when you are down there tormenting me?
I’m not tormenting you.
What about all those gurgley slimy sounds?
The bad dreams give me terrible indigestion.
And the crunching sounds?
All the bugs that live down here. I keep stepping on them.
It’s actually really messy down here, like you haven’t cleaned for years. I’d hate to see the rest of your room.
THERE ARE BUGS?
Yeah ants, centipedes, spiders.
WHAT THERE ARE SPIDERS UNDER MY BED?!?!
A huge nest.
OMG GET THEM AWAY.
Don’t worry. I squish them before they can escape.
I know most of your dreams involve spiders and me which, by the way, I don’t have thousands of tentacles and I certainly don’t eat human beings.
But if I did have a thousand tentacles it would be a lot easier to prevent the bugs from escaping.
You actually stop them from reaching me?
Yes! I can’t afford to have you fall asleep scared. Any more bad dreams and I’ll probably die.
How do I know you’re not just saying this to lure me into a false sense of security?
There’s nothing for me to gain by scaring you.
I’ve read Calvin and Hobbes. I know what terrible creatures you guys are.
I swear to you that’s not how we are. That comic is very misleading and very mischaracterizing.
Sureee then I take one step out of bed and you’ll pull me under and rip me to shreds.
Look. I’m like a Dream Catcher of sorts. I live off of dreams.
I don’t eat meat or even humans to be quite honest.
Though I do like the concept of ice cream. I wouldn’t mind trying it one day.
Okay, so assuming you do live off of dreams, what am I supposed to do about it?
Stop having bad ones. If you have good dreams then I will feel better.
No more slime, no more boils. Maybe I’ll even lose some weight!
I promise you there is nothing to fear.
Except maybe my cousin, the Thing That Lives Inside Your Closet.
WHAT!?!
Kidding, kidding. Bad joke. I promise.
But seriously, if you keep having bad dreams I will probably die.
I don’t know if I can force myself to have good dreams.
Think of it this way: I’m not some evil creature living under your bed.
AND - I’m protecting you from the spiders and other bugs.
As long as I am around the things you fear most won’t harm you.
I guess. But I still don’t trust you.
That’s alright, just believe me.
Okay, but can I sleep now? I have to wake up in a couple of hours.
Alright, fine. We can talk about this again later.
Sweet dreams. :)
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